Wall Of Pain

            As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been a very trusting and caring person. These have been said to be two of my best qualities. They’ve also been said to be my two biggest faults. I tend to trust people too much, and I get hurt in the end. I also care about others more than I care about myself, which results in my getting hurt.

A few years ago, I felt so hurt, so abused by my family, that I built a wall around myself. I became so withdrawn, reality was like a play, and Kyla Davis was no more than a character I was playing. I built my wall so high, no one was ever going to hurt me like that again.

     But there were a few people I still trusted. These few people I allowed to enter my domain. And once they were securely inside, once they knew they had my trust, they broke down my barrier letting all my fears get to me. New pains from the lies and betrayal added to the old attacked me ferociously. The pain was so great, it almost killed me; with its’ razor sharp jaws and its’ poisonous saliva. But my subconscious will refused to be defeated, and I survived.

     Once again I built my wall. Only this time it was higher and stronger than before. And this time, no one was allowed through. This time I wasn’t going to let anyone get near me.

But I was forced to make these weekly visits to a woman who was supposed to help me.

     In the beginning, we spoke through my wall, this woman and I. She helped me understand why these people I cared about and trusted hurt me so much. Then, little by little, she convinced me to lower my wall. When it got to the point where I would lower it no more because of my fears, she convinced me to put an entrance into my wall. So I tore down a small section of my wall and inserted a door that only I could open.

     Now, when I felt stable enough, I was able to leave my protective shell. Within a years’ time, I was able to let more and more people enter my shelter as well. Things were going very well, and I was feeling more confident and stronger with each passing day. But once again, my trust was betrayed with lies and my wall crumbled around me.

     Only now, I had the strength to fight back. For now, I had come to realize that the more pain I endured, the stronger the bricks for my wall became. So with this new understanding, I rebuilt my wall once again; around the door that had remained standing. Now my wall was stronger than ever before. But I also knew not to seek out pain, for that would weaken the bricks, and the wall would fall again.

     Today my wall is higher and stronger than one could imagine, though the shelter is no longer used as often as it was in the past. And each time I am hurt, I run to the safety of my shelter and add the strength of the new brick I have obtained.


Copyright ©1987 


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