LMAO! Between my thoughts and my recent break through, I’m not getting very far on my story, am I?
Well, that’s why I started this blog in the first place, to get through what-ever was blocking me from getting my poems out of my poor throbbing, damaged brain while I still have time. I just didn’t expect it to work quite so fast!!
I also started weaning myself down off the antidepressants they stuck me on 6 years ago for the past 2-3 months. WHOA!! Whoa! I know that can be dangerous. But I made sure that I talked to my big brother about what was going through my head and why. Am I explaining this right or jumping around? Yeah, I’m jumping around. I’m just so darned excited!!
So, ok; slow down, back up and let’s start this over. “Alright!”
“Hi, my name is Kyla and I suffer from Moderate Severe Depression.” (I swear, that is what it says on my medical chart 🙄 ) I’ve had this problem since I was a wee child, but it became extremely apparent at the age of 14. I tried to jump off a water tower up in my mama’s home town of Way Up North, MN. (Slightly paranoid too, BTW). Lucky for me God had placed a couple of his earth-bound angels conveniently in my path while I was walking toward said tower. Seeing how upset I was, they followed me, all the way up; a pair of firm hands on my shoulders grabbing me just as I was about to swing my second leg over the railing. To this day I love Ann & Tara for being the beautiful girls they were, and the beautiful women they became. And they are two among many to whom I owe my life.
I reckon it’s safe to say I’m a little familiar with the subjects of depression and suicide, yes? Because if you think that was my one and only attempt, I’m saddened to have to say you are wrong. Severe really is the more accurate of the two words. I think they stuck that moderate on there because they can’t understand how I’m still around with all that has tried to take me out. And I phrase it that way because I know the Devil is after my soul, just to let you know. And yes, my sanity is questionable by many; personally I revel in my lack of, keeps life colorful.
Anyway, after many years of actually dealing with most of my mental issues on my own, and in some instances barely surviving, I finally reached my breaking point in 2006. The details are in a different part of my story (https://kmscheuer.wordpress.com/category/poems-prose-songs-stories/scaling-lifes-mountains-conquering-myself/) so I won’t tell it here, but sufficed to say, I couldn’t cope on my own. I got put on antidepressants. And they even seem to help a little for the first year. But then they didn’t, so they changed the dose; next they changed the brand, and then added another-bad reaction! Let’s try this one! We played this game for about a year, I think, before it was decided I was bipolar and a new med was added.
Then the side effects started. LMFAO!!!
I got a new doctor. He checked me out, listened to what I had to say, ran a shit load of tests. He got my old doctor fired. I’m all sorts of fucked up now. And thanks to the antidepressants, I couldn’t even write out my frustrations. Everything was jumbled; all the voices were just loud, noisy and annoying. I felt dead inside, but when I tried to go off the pills cold turkey (got really mad) I sort of went crazy (or crazier) and scared the shit out of my husband and eldest son. So I won’t do that again.
But they had me on 200mg of Zoloft and 115 mg of Abilify a day. Upon realizing that the writing stopped when the pills started, I mentioned to my brother that I wanted to go off my pills to get my writing back because the pills weren’t working anyway. I’m still depressed, everything is grey, and it is by the Grace of God that I somehow manage to drag my broken, aching, deteriorating, worthless ass out of bed every day as it is and my one coping mechanism is gone! But I didn’t just go off of them because I’m not ready to die yet, even if my body thinks it is. I’M still fighting, so I need every available aid I can get, and that means my mind which means my writing. Writing heals my spirit; my spirit keeps me in fighting mode. I’m a fierce little piss ant when I’m in fighting mode, even at my mere 5’3¾”. I wisely weaned myself down slowly so that I am now taking 100mg of Zoloft and 2.5mg of Abilify. By next week or so, I’ll be off the Abilify completely, and the Zoloft will be down to 50mg. Considering the other 10 meds I still have to take every day, I think I’m making positive progress, and after at least a month, maybe two, I fully intend to let my Therapist know what I’m doing regarding the antidepressants. If things continue on this positive road I am on thus far, I’m certain she’ll agree that it was worth the risk. In the meantime, Todd (brother) checks up on me regularly to make sure I’m doing OK, and I know God is watching over me as He has my whole crazy life. 🙂
I should let you know, I do have some brain damage, so if I forgot to go back to something, or left something unexplained or unfinished, please let me know.
(This was not what I had planned on writing about, hmm…)
♥ ♥ ♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥ ♥ ♥