New School, New Clothes, New Me?! (Part 5)

Wow! I knew this chapter would be harder than the others, but I didn’t think it would be quite THIS hard! I’m going over the poems from back then and I’m concentrating really hard on any scraps of memory, ya know?

Sure enough, there’s a snort that sounds from behind me. Naturally I look, and naturally there is no one there. What is there, however, are the photocopies of my journal pages in my handwriting with the exact dates of when each poem was written. Hmm…I thought these were lost? Where’d they come from?

I knew something was off with this printed copy of my poetry book. No way had I gone through that much of a junior high school year without writing more. Still don’t know where those copies came from, though. I asked everyone in the house, but everyone claims no clue. Weird.

Anyhow, with the assistance of the photocopies, I know that the next poem written after ‘Inside Cry’ was “Never Let Them See You Cry.” Now, usually I just have the title of the poem linked to the poem so that you, the reader can ‘go’ read it. However, one of my readers suggested the presentation might be preferable with the poems set directly into the story as I did in Part 1. I may end up having to break down the stories into Part 5-A, Part 5-B and the like to keep them from becoming too long, but I’m willing to do that if you, the readers decide that is what you prefer. So please, at the end of this posting, leave me a little hello and let me know which way you like better. Now for the poem:

Never Let Them See You Cry

 

Can’t stand all the pain,

the hearts’ pieces lost,

But I’ll show my tears not,

Regardless the cost.

 

Over and over,

the abuse never ends;

with due time given,

the wounds never mend.

 

But hurt though I may

I’ll hold in my screams,

‘Cause the trick is to never

Let the cries fall in streams.

Copyright ©1986

 

 I wrote this one sometime after the New Year. My transition back into my family after living with Kay wasn’t exactly what we would call easy. Todd was very cold towards me at first. I know we ended up having it out eventually, huge blow-out with lots of screaming and many cuss words. Unfortunately, I don’t remember it. Nope, nothing, just an impression of a big fight that ended in tears on my part–of course-and a relative détente between the two of us. At any rate, my depression remained a constant, and I was still seeing the court ordered psychiatrist who truly was successful in helping me in many ways, including helping my mom and I learn how to not just talk to one another, but to hear one another correctly. Huge break through, let me tell you!!

As my feelings of loneliness seemed to magnify, I withdrew more and more from reality and lost touch with what all was going on around me. To this day, I still don’t really know what all went down during those 4-6 months and have to rely on my family to fill in the blanks for me. Which doesn’t work very well when they don’t really remember either, anyone else noticing a pattern here? 🙂 During this period I wrote “Normalcy”.

Normalcy

 

Normalcy is non-existent,

For were it,

The world would be one

hell of a boring place of

Existence.

Copyright ©1986

 

‘Normalcy’ was written on a napkin at a friend’s apartment during a party. We were quite intoxicated and I think someone suggested a limerick contest or something and that was what I came up with.

With one quarter left to the school year, we left Bloomington for the greener pastures of Eden Prairie and a real house! Todd had his driver’s license and a car, so the folks let us finish the year out at our current schools with Todd dropping me off at my friend Jenny’s house before he headed onto Kennedy Senior High where he went.

Another somewhat important detail to mention, which I cannot recall as to whether or not I have previously mentioned in any of the other parts is that I am generally a shy kind of person. I have to get to know people before I feel comfortable enough to actually partake in conversation or anything else that resembles being me. I found this to be easier while under the influence of some form of intoxicating substance and within the company of peers also under the influence of intoxicating substances. Yeah, and the whole point to all that babble is simply this-nada! I have bits and pieces, but not enough of any one thing to be able to write around it. So that’s all we get for this little section of the tale.

Passion

 

Light brown hair

with eyes of blue,

6’1” in height

and a nice build too.

Skin nice and soft

yet grip so firm,

with arms around body

the wish turns to yearn.

The dream begins

Reality fades,

Glittering eyes

Steamily glazed.

Passionate kisses

Wet bodies from sweat,

the fantasy continues

with more to come yet.

The flaming fire

Burns exceedingly hot,

the details too intimate

that be told they cannot.

Copyright ©1986

 

“Passion” was the piece written, and though it has had many a tales assigned to it over the years while different…parts of me tried to lay claim to its origins, the fact of the matter is that it was written at this point and time in my life for our first Eden Prairie crush Chris Ross. Chris wound up becoming one of my closest friends that first year, but deep down, I loved him-or thought I did at any rate. We shared lockers and all that nifty high school romance crap, but always remained mere friends. But through him I met Sonja Chenard, whom today is my eldest sons’ God-mother; and I was inspired to write more poems including “Feelings of A Star”.

Feelings Of A Star

 

One little star,

all alone

a life with no friends,

a life with no home.

 

The sky so dark

the air so cold

His light so dim

but his tries be still bold.

 

Give him a sign,

tell him you care.

He needs to feel loved,

He needs to feel shared.

Copyright ©1986

 

Sometime after ‘Feelings of a Star’ “The Colors Of Pain” was written.

The Colors Of Pain

 

Blue  –  Sadness

Green  –  Envy

Red  –  Anger

Black  –  Mourn

 

I’ve lost my love,

what shall I do?

I feel so empty,

I feel so blue.

 

I see my love;

He chose her over me?

I feel so hurt,

I feel so green.

 

What can I do?

I wish he was dead!

I feel so used,

I feel so red.

 

Now he’s gone,

I’ve paid him back.

I feel so ashamed,

I feel so black.

Copyright ©1986

 

Now, please understand, Chris had been dating Sonja, introduced the two of us because he said he wanted his girlfriend and his best friend to be friends. Yes, I had a difficult time with this the day he introduced us; and then I got to know Sonja. She was rather innocent, which I felt an instant need to protect. Don’t ask me why, I’ve never figured that out; well…that may not be accurate…there are people in my life that when I met them for the first time, there was an instant connection ~ let’s call it a soul connection ~ I knew them to be family. Sonja was one of these people, she was my little sister, still is. Point ~ Chris dumped Sonja for another girl claiming he didn’t want to ruin Sonja’s innocence where the other girl (freshman also) was willing to fuck him. I was livid, as Sonja was hurt and I cursed Chris ~ as in put an actual curse on him. Did I mention I was a peculiar teen? So when word spread through the school that Chris and his new girlfriend had been in a car accident, I felt a little twinge of guilt, ya know? On the plus side, he did not die, thank God! Although our friendship pretty much fizzled after all that. And thus was written “Alone”.

Alone

 

Here I am,

all alone,

No one to talk to

not one single soul.

 

I remember the times

so many in my life.

And I wished them away

now I’m paying the price.

 

My life wasn’t the greatest,

but it was better than some.

And I took it for granted,

now everything’s gone.

 

I only wish for a second chance,

The mistakes I’ve made I know,

And this time I will do things

right

I don’t like to be alone.

Copyright ©1986

 

How’s all that for a great start to a new everything? And to think, that’s all just the beginning of my official High School experience! Great place for me to end this chapter however.

So until we read again…

♥ ♥ ♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥ ♥

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