“…fear has settled itself into my walls…”

 

I…Ah Damn it!! Why do I keep letting that kid side track me?!

 

Because the kid, just perhaps is more important than the post, do you think?

 

Fricking smart ass! He’s a lot like you ; you are aware of that, aren’t you?

 

‘Course I am!!! That’s my Raynman! Why do you think I’m stayin’ so close at hand, you twit?! When Log hurts, it brings Ray forth the same way it is for us. He’s holding the anger in, trying real hard to control it, but he has no outlet. Ray is right there laying in wait. That’s one of the reason’s I love your stealthy hovering; kid never sees it, smart as he is.

 

I know. I remember now. My most recent epiphany regarding my fears and shit! Awesome! Thanks.

 

Anytime hon. 😉

 

Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Panic Disorder, and Agoraphobia all = FEAR. 

 

Well no duh! As if everyone didn’t know that already? Really is that it? That was your big epiphany?! What a letdown! I was expecting something of some significance pertaining to you and your personal shit.

 

HEY!! Maybe if you’d shut the frick up and let me finish, I could actually get to the part that pertains to me and my epiphany! Damn, rude much?! I really hate being interrupted! Now, where was I? Oh yeah, fear and all the many issues it might derive from; particularly as they might pertain to me. But where do I start so that this will make the sense I want it to make? Hmm…

 

Well now, that’s easy! Just look back through your memories for the exact time and event associated with you becoming afraid of your own shadow! 😀

 

Piss off!! I am not afraid of my own shadow!! It’s everyone else’s shadows I have problems with, mine is fine! If you’re going to intrude and insult, how’s about you at least get the facts correct? Think you can do that? Now hush up and let me think so I can get this typed up! You pain in the ass, fricken wench. At least you gave me a decent place to start.

 

When I was 27, I was laid off from the job I was working at and given an opportunity to attend college through a displaced employee program; can we say giggidy? My desire to go to college is a typical story, the legist of which is simple-no funds. Naturally I jumped at this dream come true. I was so excited; I tried taking 16 credits (5 core classes) in the 1st semester! Can we say delusional and way over-loaded? I ended up having to drop a class I really liked and was getting a ‘B’ in at the time which really bummed me out. I should have chosen the class I didn’t like and was struggling in, but my over-loaded brain was not thinking clearly, obviously.

 

Wondering what my college tale has to do with fear yet? Well, just let me tell you; because this story does have something to do with that story. I guess one could sort of say it is where my anxiety first reared its ugly head.

 

So, continuing on; before I started attending classes I had just ended a relationship. It was what one would call a very messy break up, and the feller was not very accepting of my decision to move on with my life without him. I suppose it should not have surprised me when I started noticing his truck in the parking lot of the school when I arrived in the mornings, or when I noticed the truck following me on my way home after I got out of class in the afternoon. Then there were notes under my windshield wipers, and the flowers IN my car! Can we say stalker? You guessed it, my ex was stalking me. I found out he had made an extra set of keys to my building and apartment so that he could  ‘visit’ me when I wasn’t home; I never really cared to know what he did while there as I was already crept out enough. Short story long, I started having anxiety attacks and developed a fear of other folk. It got so bad, that aside from school, I rarely left my apartment. My then boyfriend would take my son down to the pool and partake in barbecuing fun with the neighbors and I would watch and wave from the window above, but I was just too afraid to go down and join them. Back then, the attacks were just breaking out in a fierce sweat with my heart racing and the only way I could overcome this fear was by drinking alcohol or getting high. Considering my boyfriend was a recovering alcoholic and I refused to marry him until he quit drinking (mean drunk), it didn’t really seem right for me to be drinking so I quit for the most part as well. It wasn’t until we were married and moved clear across town before I felt safe again. That was 15 years ago and I thought I was an expert on fear and panic after that experience; I was a naive dumb-ass   

 

In 5 days I will be 42 and my understanding of fear and panic has been redefined exponentially. We’ve all heard the old saying about how we have nothing to fear but fear itself, right? Well, fear has settled itself into my walls and taken up roots! I thought I had managed to get them under control for the most part, although there is the occasional biggies that take my breath away while crushing my chest. But they were few and far between, so I had convinced myself that I had overcome my fear of the outside world. However, the other day I was chit chatting with Todd about shit (I don’t remember exactly what or even how my epiphany came about-joy of this brain damage thing I got going on) and I realized I avoid leaving my house out of fear, and have been doing so for years without knowing it was fear and panic attacks actually keeping me home! My freaky broken brain has caused actual physical symptoms which led my husband and I to believe I was ill and therefore unable to attend functions. Things like going to my folks for the holidays which is something I treasure; or simply attending church on Sundays with my youngest son!

 

I feel stupid and liberated at the same time; and I’m not sure if either is good. But knowledge is power, knowing is half the battle and all that fun stuff. At least now I can begin working on conquering this fear and getting this mold out of my walls!

 

Wow, you’re trying to take on a lot these days, aren’t you?

 

Not really if you look at the big picture; it all boils down to the same one thing-facing my fears. Once I face them, I can conquer them one by one until I’ve beaten them all, or at least come to understand why I am afraid and how I can overcome the fear, ya know? I may have my work cut out ahead of me (weird phrase), but I know I am up to the challenge!! Time to take my life back!!

 

♥ ♥ ♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥ ♥

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9 responses to ““…fear has settled itself into my walls…”

  1. I find having a written dramatized conversation with myself sometimes helps me to think more clearly. I’m just barely appreciating what’s going on for you however as I don’t really understand the characters in the conversation so well ( yet)
    Good luck!

    • Thank you. 🙂

      I actually hear voices and am seeing a therapist to determine if it’s schizophrenia or D.I.D. My alters and I are confident of the diagnosis, but it’s not really up to us. Apparently there is something quirky about the way we co-exist instead of integrating, but there are things I don’t care to remember. 🙂
      But the conversation is between myself and Kai, the 1st of my alters.

      Kyla

      • Kyla, I hope you find a solution to your problems. Although I sometimes feel like arguing with myself, I don’t think, I’m at all schizophrenic. I do not hear voices.
        My daughter who is severely anorexic does. I guess she hears the voice of her Eating Disorder (ED) telling her to behave in an anorexic way. Do you find that your symptoms come and go? I mean some times for a time they get worse, and then they almost disappear?

        Anyone who has been traumatized has things they don’t want to remember. I have a friend who deals with car accidents and death, he can’t sleep without the light and the TV on. He’s getting cognitive behavioural therapy. No idea whether it works.

        take care…

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