A Conversation I Was Instructed to Share

 

11.10.12 So here we are again Father; me emotionally tangled up inside, torn in so many directions I’m amazed I’m still in one piece and you just…what? You know I have to ask; I am after all me, your beloved screwed up ever faithful daughter. With all the amazing progress we’ve made over the past few years, and all the shit I’ve come to understand, would you expect anything less?

But tell me Lord, for I am still so full of questions, and I will be until the day comes for me to rest; if I am as strong as so many people keep telling me, such a good and pure soul, why do my heart and soul still ache the way they do? Why am I not strong enough to quit these last few vices I have so as to receive the blessings the missionaries keep promising? Why, if ‘the Church’ is true do I keep feeling the spirit holding me back? I can feel the truth in the scriptures from the plates, and know they are the words of Christ, but I don’t feel the spirit giving me the same conviction regarding everything else. Why? And why, after all these years did you ask me to join this church if it isn’t the true church? I’m only one fucking person! How can I help an entire ward, stake, what-not see what they are missing? You only recently pointed it out to me!!

Oh, and BTW, thanks so much for the anxiety stuff, that is so helping me get to church to try to reach anybody with your message; and there’s my mental illness factor. Folks are always so willing to listen to nut-cases such as I. The only thing I really have going for me is you; apparently my Faith in you, and the strength of that Faith shines so brightly, it seems to be the one thing everybody notices. AND THEY JUST COME UP AND TELL ME! The men shake my hand, the women hug me, the kids smile and know my name even though I’m absent quite often due to my illnesses! It’s mind-boggling! I do love the family values they teach-every church should teach them.

Hey, there’s another question for you, why don’t you like the title of the post I’ve been trying to write for a month but have been unable to get done? Now that I took the Mormon out of the title, I seem to know what direction it is supposed to go in, so I’m pretty certain that was another Spirit prompt. I’m glad this isn’t going the way it was in my head when the Spirit first prompted me to write it. I was going to ask you about that-why I seem to ‘rehearse’ what I’m going to write before writing it, but I think I may have figured that out already. Was I this quirky before coming down here?

11.11.12 1:14 a.m. Several hours have passed now, as well You know, and much has transpired since I last wrote. My heart is aching with so many pains from so many directions and even though I know you are here with me, the pain is overwhelming. I’m fairly certain my intoxication has quite a bit to do with that, but my intention was not solely my own personal gratification, so I refuse to dwell in the self-guilt I normally would torture myself with. Why do continuously tell you things you already know more about than I do? Seems quite redundant, and yet I do it all the fricken time. Rather annoying if you ask me.

So has the alcohol made me crazier, or has it made clear the scrambled thoughts within my mind that plague me from day-to-day? Are my beliefs delusions of grandeur, or is there a special purpose-a mission set before me specifically that I must complete before I am allowed to rest? So many miracles in my life that Can only be explained by Your intervention, despite and equivalent or greater than the tribulations that have kicked my ass throughout the years. Damn straight I’ve sort of kept score! Not intentionally mind you, but it’s hard not too under the circumstances right? Again, just being humanly redundant!

 Nope, can’t write anymore cuz I’m just too tired. I’m sure I’ll have much more to say tomorrow…

 

11.19.12 Hello Father, just me again. I’m not sure what the point of this was when it was initially started, and in all honesty, I don’t care. You must have answered the deep-rooted question somehow or we’d still be whining about it.

No, today I was hoping to talk to you about these black outs I’m having again. As we all know, blackouts tend to be a really bad sign in my life. However, these blackouts seem to be different, more seizure related and much more frequent. And they always accompany the numb tingling in my arms. So tell me Father, what’s up with those blackouts? Because quite frankly, we’re getting a little scared as they occur more and more frequently. Oh yeah, and they are lasting longer too, up to 20-30 minutes according to Julian. 😦

I suppose I might not overly concern myself if at least one of the others were somewhat aware of the nature of said blackouts, but that is precisely why we are beginning to become as concerned as we are; none of us has a clue!

 

11.20.12 So that was your answer? “Just Sayin’, God”. 10 days of total mind-fucking pondering with outrageous questions and trips to the past that quite frankly I would have preferred skipping altogether and that is your answer?!?!! Well, please forgive me for my annoyance and disgruntled-ness, but fuck that noise!!!!!!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved the Just Sayin’ piece, and was/am proud to have it posted. But in regards to some of my issues and questions, it’s not enough. And we know others out there are going to say the same thing and feel the same way. They may even have the audacity to think their particular case is individually unique in their suffering as I used to…shit!! Completely lost my train of thought and point! Did you do that on purpose?! I’ll bet you did…(grumbling)…and now I don’t know what else to say. Please forgive the cussing. Thank you for the blessings in my life, help me continue to find courage to face my struggles and fight. Please watch over all those I love and care for as you so lovingly always do.

I ask and say these things in the name of Thy Son Jesus Christ,

Amen.

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