Since the middle December of 2012, I have been somewhat lost. It really shouldn’t be difficult to explain, yet I find that it is nearly impossible and I don’t quite understand why. A myriad of unexpected events just seemed to occur all around the same general time range and the weight of it all simply crushed me beneath. And as I laid there gasping for air, I found my strength waning swiftly until I had no fight left in me and the darkness just engulfed me in its all-encompassing shroud where I’ve been trapped ever since.
Now, considering I’ve been dealing with this disease for over 25 years, I have several “Depression Action Plans” in place to help me cope when my world appears to be crumbling. However, they just didn’t seem to be enough this time around as some of them were actually part of the problem. Loved ones I couldn’t help because I was too broken myself and my family didn’t quite understand. Or maybe I didn’t; I still haven’t worked that one completely out…
I wish life had a pause button. The chaos just keeps knocking me on my ass before I can finish-well, anything!! No wonder nothing gets posted; my mind is too frazzled to get my words typed up the way I want before we start thinking about the current crap being dumped on us now! 2 steps forward, 20 steps back-Yee-hah!! This is not helping; nor does it seem to be getting me anywhere…
Back in December my foster daughter fell off the wagon and started using coke again, but took it a step further and started using meth. My husband said she had to leave. On the one hand, I understood his position as we have a younger child to protect. But how is abandoning her in such a time of dire need the right thing to do? He and our eldest both turned on her as if there had never been any love; I can’t do that. It tears me into so many directions and leaves me vulnerable to the others.
December is already a difficult month with the anniversary of my grannypas passing. I still have a hard time with it, no matter how many years go by. Reminds me that grannyma is also gone now. And the holidays just aren’t right anymore; they’re all about greed everything wrong. But everyone knows it now and we piss and moan and it all stays the same. Isn’t that productive?! But I get to see my mama & papa; and this year I even got to see my Poppy. First time I’ve visited him for Christmas in –shit! – More than 15 years! Very first Christmas for my kids; and it really was wonderful! 😀
Ooh, need that pause button again!! I’ve figured out that I actually can use a figurative one with this story since it’s my story and I can tell it however I choose-or in this case need-to tell it. Among the many things wrong with me, I have a personality disorder to accompany my schizophrenic issues. Sometimes I see and hear things that aren’t actually there; I hear voices in my head on a fairly regular basis, and I don’t always see myself looking back at me in the mirror. Once in a while it’s an alter I know as Renie, but most of the time it’s the one I know as Kai. She is terribly annoying. I know there once were a few others, but I haven’t heard much of anything out them in quite a few years. I did find their web accounts however…that was rather strange. I’ve found Kai’s and Renie’s too. They are all still some-what current, which certainly supports my theory of the recent blackouts I’ve been experiencing that everyone just seems to ‘float over’ whenever I try to bring them up. Aren’t I the one that is supposed to be in denial about my personality issues? Anyway, off topic…hmmm. I seem to have forgotten what I needed the pause for. I got interrupted, it is now the next day and my anger is diffused. Knowing this info will be helpful at any rate, and now I don’t have to go into it as much later. Works for me. 😉
So anyway, I suppose I’ll just get back to December…or not…
Fricken PAUSE!!!!!!!! There’s a reason I need to get certain details about December and what was/has been going on told. It is somewhat pertinent to current events and without knowledge of this history, references will make no sense whatsoever! But how am I ever going to get it told if the current crap doesn’t take a long enough of a breath to let me finish the telling??!!
I think 2 days have passed now and I’ve come to the conclusion that I shall not be finishing my tale of December at any time soon…
I’ve also discovered that I still do not much care for people reading over my shoulder; nor do I much care for people reading unfinished things after I have expressed quite strongly that said things were not for reading yet. And still, things are read over my shoulder in their unready, unfinished NOT FOR READING YET form. And I find I really do not care much for this. Hopefully the hint will be taken as this paragraph is read over my shoulder… 😦
I’m losing track of my point. But, in a way, that in itself is part of my point-my inability to say what I’m trying say. I get side tracked, and then I never get back to my original point; and I’m a pro at talking myself in circles… But I don’t want that to happen this time, so I’m going to try a different approach; I’m going to tell you all a story, or maybe a few. Fact or fiction I won’t say; decide what you think of my tales each day. The characters are easy-everyone in my life-but are the details with in reality? Or derived from my damaged mind?
…Attempting a new way to cope…why is this so difficult? I know why, it’s Clifford; the whole honesty thing. I’m taking it quite seriously, which means really opening up about what goes through my head-really letting him into my world. When he saw the cuts on my thigh and my arm, I know it hurt him-but I saw something in his eyes that I’ve never seen before; acknowledgement. He asked me why, why did I do this to myself? I told him as honestly as I possibly could- the pain in my chest is so tight I can’t breathe, but with each cut I can take a deep breath. That was the most absolutely honest conversation he and I have had in years. In order to avoid misunderstandings that may result in rash behavior on my part (that being of utmost importance to us all second only to my eldest son who suffers much of the same mental issues as I), we agreed to keep open, honest dialogue between us at all times. That means encouraging his reading my blog, and eventually many things will need addressing. Several of my poems in particular I am certain will cause him alarm, as they should. But the issues they address are issues we have discussed, and so it is my hope that when all is said and done, well…I’m hoping he will continue to check on my blog regularly and if there are things I might be afraid to come straight out and say to him, he will find them here and we can talk them out. Does that sound totally stupid? I tried explaining my hope to him, but I’m not sure I explained it very well; he sounded somewhat depressed about the prospect of reading poems regarding my anger and disappointment. I can certainly understand that, but I know this is the path God is leading us towards in order to make our home more harmonious.
So, this tale is about my life and the people in it. I will be changing the names for the sake of privacy for those in it and details that aren’t mine to be disclosed openly. The main characters are as follows:
|Leading Lady: Styla||Leading Man: Clifford||Styla’s Eldest Son: Raynman||Styla’s youngest son: Devlin|
|Styla’s Sister: Sissy||Styla’s Brother: Davis||Styla’s Older Brother: Tad||Styla’s Mom: Joy|
|Styla’s Papa: Don||My Poppy: Harvey||Foster Daughter 1: Rosalyn||Foster Daughter 2: Kailynn|
|Styla’s Best Friend: Emma||1st Love (Emma’s Older Brother): Jay||Emma’s Younger Brother: Mike||Emma’s Mom: Polly|
|Jays’ Son: Leo||Leo’s Mom: Betsy||Old school Friend: Sophia||Old guy from past: Perry|
And damn!! Here we go again with the current chaos trampling my reverie. I’m really trying hard with this new slate deal Cliff and I got going, but it’s biting me in the ass every time I turn around!!!! So I guess this will have to be continued… Stay tuned… End Day 1