Here and there, Where are we now?

Day 2

Yeah, that went about as well as expected-NOT!!! And that isn’t exactly accurate either. I’m working on the post for day 2 as it now and I’ve run into an issue. The thing is, I know what the issue is, and it helps me establish sort of how I want to try to attempt this project. But the part that I’m fluster about is him, both figuratively and literally at this point. Imagine how well he takes THAT?!! So as I explain to him that within keeping true to the whole honesty agreement no matter how scary and painful deal we made, when you go through my blog, there are poems written at times of great pain. So what he was blown away by was the hatred; that really hurt him. I had forgotten all about the hatred. I guess I had just become so numb to it that it did not register properly anymore?

So now I guess I need some of the back story, but it does go farther that just December, so try to pay close attention, or I guarantee you you’ll get lost in a heartbeat. The jumping goes at my pace, when and where I chose to go as this is my tale and I’m the one telling it. There is a love story in it, but it’s confusing and difficult. The days are merely a reference for the day I am posting, helps me keep track…

Back in May of 2011 I suffered a miscarriage. Due to the medications I am on for my spinal degeneration and other issues, I only knew for a mere month or two before my body rejected the pregnancy, but I still took it quite hard. What I really took hard was the extra week or so that I had to carry my lifeless unborn child within me before my body actually rejected the fetus. I believe I yelled at God, and accused him of being a bored, cruel little puppet master just playing another vicious game with his demonic toys (I was quite upset at the time). I feel it would be completely within everyone who knew me and had to deal with me’s right to say I may have gone a bit crazy that summer. I WANTED HER. I blamed my doctors whom I had informed immediately so that all preparations for my spinal surgery were put on hold, all medications were adjusted to fetal safe meds or were stopped. I WANTED HER! I blamed Cliff. I knew he lost her too, but why wasn’t he hurting like me? His first response when we found out was about money!! It’s always about money over love with him!! Why couldn’t he have been happier, than maybe she would’ve stayed?!? And from there I was broken for a long while. Well shit! I’ve been broken since I was a wee one, but this is about one of the little breaks within the permanent ones.

So, the beginning of the mistrust as well as a huge break in reality is what we seem to have here. No, this isn’t right, I’m getting confused…

 

Catalyst – I asked Clifford if he has ever looked up or researched personality disorders. His response is ‘No, why would I?’ My response is, “You have a wife and a son who suffer from personality disorders. Maybe some of our behavior would not be as frustrating if you had a better understanding of the possible motivations?’ So he did this, which was really cool on the one hand. There are some disturbing facts; but the point was that he read the info, told me where he found his info and what bothered him about what he learned. These were the important parts; we discussed what he understood better about me, what made more sense now, all that kind of crap you expect. We discussed things I know to be wrong, other things I’ve learned. And we talked about Raynman. This was all like two weeks ago 04.24.13.

So, among the crazy shit going on, Raynman and Cece (his girlfriend) are spatting, and I’m getting messages on Facebook from guys I dated over 15 years ago. I’m sure you can imagine how well that went over? But now time is skipping all around, and we just can’t have that, no one will know where we are except me…

Yeah, here be a pause…Raynman and Cece have broken up…it’s awful and my heart is breaking for him…and I am so terribly torn between so many points of conflict…holy fricking shit…but he is talking to me; so I swallow and respond…She wrote him a couple of letters. The first one she had written last week, but he had been home sick, so he was unable to get the letter until Monday-but she broke up with him Friday. For good this time. I read the letter, without his permission. I understand better where she is coming from, and I feel guilty for not teaching my son better. I suppose this might be my point that I’m getting to in some bazaar manner? How many fricken tales do I have just hangin’ out there? Day 2 is a day of chaos, but I’m going to pull it together a bit. It’ll be somewhat weird and entertaining. Just give me a sec to read yesterday and today so I got it all fresh with the new current and then I can start filling in the blanks… Biggest problem with that right now is that I’m falling asleep. So, I’m just going to go ahead and finish this tomorrow…

Did I mention that Cece blocked me as well as Raynman? Cliff too!! Phone, Facebook, everything!! And now she is acting like she doesn’t even know him. I didn’t know he was hitting her though. I can’t believe she never told me. I feel really fricking stupid!!

 

I don’t know how to explain to Clifford why it matters to me to hear Jays’ side of the story. He thinks it is because there is a part of me that is still in love with Jay. I think Jay also believes that. I don’t believe that’s the problem. I care, I will always care; THAT is simply a part of who I am It is part of why Cliff loves me and he knows it. But throughout November and December I found out a great deal of new information. And if that information is true, it affects how I have reacted to things, events in my life. I need to know. …

Too much conflict, naked booty’s on TV, no wonder I’ve gone mad…:(

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s