And it only took, like, 2 months!?

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Day 3

 

So, it’s Saturday in the real world. I was feeling happy and thought I could get quite a bit of my tale told, but as it turns out, I am my usual sensitive self and easily wounded by dickish behavior. So instead I think I will lose myself in the words of other creative minds and souls, and then later return to try telling that tale of my own.

 

So this is a clarity…if I understand this clearly, this new bit “Welcome to My Insanity” is an attempt to analyze why the depression that hit in December was the ass kicking ordeal that it turned out to be as well as an attempt to answer my mates’ question regarding why I am the way I am. These are not simple answers, obviously. When we met back in August 1996, I didn’t know for certain I was schizophrenic, only that I suffered multiple personalities. But I kept that to myself; most people I had trusted with it thus far hadn’t reacted very well. And I wasn’t really sure myself anyway back then. Seriously, with the post-partum that I didn’t even realize I was going through, I was already screwed, so why add, ya know? But there are reasons we are travelling through history, and it is for the HISTORY of it all. Generally, when it comes to my history or my past, what I remember, there isn’t a great deal of it.  I guess I would actually have to sit down with my therapist to find out all my diagnoses. Same with my doctors, I stopped paying attention after the hypokalemia. The blackouts bother me though, what am I doing during that time? Who am I kidding?!

 

It’s been weeks since I started that entry above, which naturally got interrupted and therefore never completed. So much shit has been going on that I have wanted to write about but haven’t been able to for this reason and that. But the main reason is the most annoying; when the words are in my head and perfect, I can’t do to where I am or what I’m doing and by the time I am able to sit down and put those words to paper/type, they’re gone! This memory thing is really starting to fucking piss me off!! It’s interfering with some major aspects of my life and I can’t take it anymore!!

Now, the rational part of my mind (amazed it’s even functioning anymore! :{ ) realizes low potassium affects memory. However, the irrational parts of my brain are researching the cocktail of meds I’m on trying to figure out what pain I can live with so I can get off the meds that can cause memory loss!! I think I can deal with the migraines again, I did for 37 years before the Topamax; we’ve already cut the blood pressure meds down quite a bit along with all but the one pain med. Hopefully that will help. Or it could make things worse I suppose since I’ve started getting the migraines again…isn’t stress fun??! :]

 

WOW!!!! I seriously need to proofread and edit these things before I post them! I went back and reread my first 2 posts to figure out where I left off and realized my last post…actually both of the under this ‘Insanity’ category are so full of holes that they don’t actually tell anything!! I’m a little surprised I didn’t get a crap load of questions about that, lol. At least now I have an inkling of where I should try to start, that’s something.

 

Let’s fill in some of those major holes we found in the beginning of this tale-telling, shall we? Hmm…I’ve been staring at the page for about a half hour now, grateful for the distraction of making a grilled cheese for my 7 year old as I am at a loss for the words with which to get this going. Perhaps filling in the holes right at this time is not the direction to start from? So much noise in my head and it’s all focused and utterly obsessing over the chaos that is currently going on with my life. I’m guessing that I should just start there and give a bit of the necessary history when and where it is required. Yeah, I think that’s the right approach here, so that’s what we’ll do; good plan!

  

 So, today is Monday and yesterday was Father’s Day. Right now at this very moment my 7-year-old (Devlin) is next to me playing on his kindle not really knowing what is going on with everyone else, but knowing something isn’t quite right. In the other room my 17-year-old (Ray)…

Dammit!!!! I got interrupted, like I always am, and wasn’t able to get back this on Monday. It is now Wednesday and I can’t remember exactly what I was writing. I really get annoyed by that, this…the whole memory issue shit that I’m plagued with! Grrr!

Ha ha!! Now it’s Friday and I have come to several interesting realizations that could make this summer rather…well, challenging. Among the first of these realizations is simple; having the kids out of school and home all day makes it nearly impossible to get anything done on the schedule I originally had set. Another regarding the kids being home is that my children are beautifully bazaar and I am blessed/cursed and fortunate mom; they fight over me daily! And would you like to know what is the craziest of all? It’s the 7-year-old that is the more reasonable about sharing; he just wants to be with us and watch tv. The 17-year-old gets all uptight and has to have me all to himself or he’ll return to his room and pout!! And it’s summer, the sun is out, nice little breeze action going on; why would they want to stay cooped up in the AC lacking house with me anyway?!!? I just don’t get it!! Yet I love that they want to be with me. 😀 I just wish Raynman would embrace the love he has over the negative feelings he has for his younger brother. He has to know how much it kills me. 😦

It is Saturday now and I’ve decided to give up. There’s enough stuff in the here and now to keep me busy, so I guess I’ll just focus on that for now, and if the opportunity and memory allow for a reverie, maybe this part of the tale will come up again. Today I socialized with the family down the road a bit at the neighbors for a small neighborhood gathering. It was a fairly nice afternoon until the cottonwood swept across the yards and attacked us. But once again my openness about everything ended up embarrassing Cliff (apparently did the same thing last year; and he wonders why I don’t like to go!) which I didn’t realize and I feel like a total wench. With the memory issues I have, I don’t do secrets because I can’t remember anything! So I won’t know who to keep it from or even whose secret it was to begin with. Just makes my paranoia a whole lot worse and I don’t need that! Whoops, I’m rambling a bit, aren’t I? Sorry about that. I want to get this posted before I get interrupted again, so I’ll say ado for now…

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2013-04-01

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