Hmm, this is apparently even scarier than I thought; my head is beginning to throb, my hands are shaking, my eyes are watering, my heart is pounding harder and harder-oh yeah! Panic attack is oncoming! Ha! Too bad, I’m still going to write this before I go under tomorrow!!
It seems that I am not very good with my words these days and I tend to unintentionally offend someone or another, so I just don’t write anymore. But sometimes it’s really difficult, way too much noise in my head.
Later this month my husband and I both acknowledge our birthdays, him turning 50 and I turning 43. We married in the summer of 1999 and have done our best with our 2 sons at 17 and 7. Life has challenged us many times as our eldest began to struggle with school and my health began to decline slightly. But then we were blessed with our youngest unexpected miracle.
Life changes so much as years pass, and half of the time people don’t notice the changes as they are happening. During this time period of our lives, we were rather private people. It wasn’t an intentional or conscious thing, we just went about our lives and minded our business and helped our friends or coworkers if we could and it simply was what it was, ya know?
But my sister Shawna and I had been pregnant together (her daughter was born 1 month after our son), and within a year after her daughter was born she became very ill and was eventually diagnosed with lupus along with degenerative bone & disc disease and other crap. The similarity of her illness to another person began a relationship that ultimately led to some vicious rumors about both my family as well as my sister & her family. This led to me having a mental breakdown which affected my D.I.D.
It takes a very strong man (or woman in some cases, I reckon) to stand by you when a few other personalities start popping out and going ballistic on you.
I am both physically and mentally disabled. There are always voices in my head, but most times I can shut them out. I have at least five personalities that I am aware of-life has been challenging, but Jesus has always walked beside me, and my family are a great support system!
As a result of the rumors, however, I am now an open book about everything. I figure if I offer up the info people are so nosy about, then there’s no reason or room for rumors and lies. I know my family love me, crazy and all, the opinions of others doesn’t rank in my book anymore. God will let me know how I did when the time comes. But this seems to come across to some people as cruel or uncaring. As of late I can’t seem to tell the difference, so it is safer to not say anything at all.
I see things that aren’t there, I hear things that aren’t real, my paranoia is in hyper-overdrive these days; I was a soldier during Desert Storm and now the mere thought of a shopping mall throws me into a panic attack that some-what mimics a heart attack!!! Not too hard to figure out what feeds my depression these days, is it?
I am not an easy person to live with. Normal people under extreme stress have a normal break-down (as far as I know), I seem to develop an angry personality…I have tantrums that can sometimes last up to 10 years!!
My imagination is one of those gifts that is also a curse kind of things, incredibly vivid. I’m having this procedure tomorrow, and I have this bazaar fantasy about facing all of my personalities and battling for the right to have my mind and body to myself. It’s somewhat terrifying. But God blessed me with the most amazing family-from the grand folks whom I remember with so much love and affection to the husband and children I cherish-and I can do anything for them. Parents and siblings in-between there to me should be an obvious given, by the way…
So, let’s see…birthdays, life…sister, illness…crazy, broken…wonderful family, awesome hubby…yup, I think I covered what I wanted to cover. Sorry if sounds a bit insane, LOL! I hope you won’t mind but I’m ending this with a sort of a prayer.
Heavenly Father, thank you for this beautiful day, Your gift of life, the continued strength needed to fight my trials or strife. Please bless and watch over my family and friends, may they feel your presence as they go about their days; and thanks again for always watching over me with all the trouble I get into with all this…degenerating! (inside joke) 😀 I love you Lord. Amen.
Peace, love and blessings
♥ ♥ ♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥ ♥ ♥