First thing I feel I need to address is the fact that I am still battling my depression, and because of a variety of other wonderful trials that all seem to be hitting my family and I all at the same time, I am totally drowning. So there’s about a 95% chance that this post will reflect the bizarre, erratic trail of my thoughts and feelings. That’s part of the reason I haven’t been posting much (there is a bird on my head! BRB). (03/11/2014)
(03/18/2014) Finally getting back, lol. I can’t seem to finish anything, or even find interest or inspiration for anything. Every time there’s a slight ray of sunshine and I dare to allow myself to believe in happiness again, the proverbial ‘other shoe’ drops and I’ve somehow managed to screw everything up again. And in all absolute honesty, fighting the urge to shred myself to pieces is getting harder and harder every time…but a promise is a promise, and I intend to keep it no matter what.
I’m fairly positive that I’m going through menopause, but when I went to the doc about my earache and a few other things, I forgot to talk to him about that. I always forget something. I’m already nuts; add menopause to that alone and I’m thinking scary mood swings and crap. Top that off with temperamental alters and the rest of my baggage—
😉 (04/23/14) Life, what fun…my insanity had my eldest questioning his own sanity earlier today. I wish I could still remember all the details, it really was quite chuckle worthy. Well, for me it was; I still haven’t figured out if Logan enjoyed the experience nearly as much, but he was smiling—sort of. 😀
(04/30/14) And here we are again…only seven days since I last tried to work on this post. I’ve finally gotten it into my head (I think) that if I don’t get it done during the day when I’m alone (assuming I actually get those days); I’ll never get the chance to get back to it later, so I’m getting it done early for a change. So much has happened, I can’t believe it’s only been seven days…but then again, every time I’ve previously tried writing, I’ve never actually gotten the intended story told, so perhaps it’s all just melded together in my head. My concept of time where days, weeks and months are concerned gets really messed up with my fabo memory; giggidy!!
When I first started this blog I originally planned to center it around my poetry in an attempt to break through whatever mental barrier was preventing my creativity from being able to flow freely. But that was not my only intention. I also wanted to help people. I always want to help people; all people, as in the whole fricken world!!! And I can’t—or if I can I haven’t been clued in on the How To yet…It’s really quite frustrating.
(05.16.14) My world has completely crashed around me and I just don’t want to be anymore. But the Lord won’t let me die yet, and after my break on Easter-suicide is never the answer-which I know, I just snapped. We all just snapped…I talked with mom, Todd, Logan, Lucas and Shawna; but not Paul. I don’t know if he would want to know-his life is good. And not Julian, I think it would break what Sandy left of his heart. I’ve asked Heavenly Father’s forgiveness, but I have to figure out how to forgive myself first I think.
How does one forgive themselves for being who they are when they are told at least once a week that they are a terrible person? When a person is in one way or another criticized or ridiculed for the majority of what they do or say, why on earth would they ever want to do or say anything ever again? But what do I know? I mentally impaired, so nothing I say really matters anyway, right?
Check it out, finally said all I have to say.