I Don’t Know…Not Anymore

(05/23/2014) You know, starting these little ditties is surprisingly tougher once you’re actually in front of the computer ready to type than you would expect or imagine it to be. It’s dumber than shit, like stage fright except for the seriously pathetic fact that you’re in front of a computer all by yourself!! How fracked up is that??!! Ah, but the upside, I am comfortable laughing at myself in a loving, unconditionally accepted way that reminds me that everything has its reason. Far be it for me to question the ways and the whys…Oh yeah, I forgot! LOL!! That’s what I fricking do!! I question shit!! All of it!!!! And ya know what? I usually get answers. They are usually pretty clear. They aren’t fricken clear anymore…

(05.28.2014) Thinking…contrary to what some consider “popular belief” (or so I’ve heard), thinking is not a good thing. Not always…And Alfred Hitchcock was a sick, twisted bastard whose wife should’ve smothered in his sleep!!! Good God Alma, why’d you keep going back you dumb-ass??!!

(05/29/2014) Thinking is still not my friend, but we’re working on our issues. :/ So many bizarre, not quite so little thoughts traipsing around the various hallways, nooks and crannies of my goofy little head…I need to work on labeling some of these doors so I quit opening the ones that knock me on my ass!! Black X, Black X, Black X; there!! That should work for now; as long as I don’t think I’m playing pirates with any of my other selves. 😉

Grrr! Word says “my alters” in that last sentence is a grammar issue, but I’ve changed and reworded it like 8 times now and apparently it’s still off! Well too fricken bad!! I’m leaving it the way it is! (It truly is bugging the shit out of me though; thought I should fill you in on that just in case you hadn’t already figured that out based on this entire fricken paragraph dedicated to a single dam sentence)!  😦 ( I fixed it, yay for me!!) 😀

(05/30/2014) My family…I cherish my family, each and every one of them, faults and all. I couldn’t always say that. Three years ago I could not have said that…is that right? Yeah, it is. I’ve actually come a seriously long way over the past few years in regards to dealing with the big ‘daddy issues’ that I had always thought were the root of all my primary mental issues. However, as awesome as that is, I now know that Julian was not the root problem, his parents were. His father specifically, but Irene played her role. Fix one crack, another one starts across the hallway around the corner. Can you hear it? I’m digressing, sorry about that.

Back from the spine doc checkup; next week we get to have a CT and an MRI! Isn’t just oodles of excitement?!

And I can’t stop this damned thinking!!! Random thoughts, random words, random gobbledygook…Fear, isolation, suffering, blessed, cursed, manipulation, lies, pain, love, happiness, fearless, fearsome, betrayal, trust, faith and so on and so on. It’s endless and it’s constant and if there were anything left of my sanity to lose, it would certainly leave me lost. Memories that are lost, memories forgotten, memories that are apparently false altogether!

(06.03.2014) Today has become a grey day. My heart and my soul hurt in a way that can’t be described by words, but I know a lot of folks out there know exactly what I’m talking about. Thinking…my big brother-I love him so much. He used to post a blog at least once a month, but he hasn’t for a very, very long time. I’ve really missed his posts. Yesterday he posted a link to a gal singing a beautiful song she wrote and composed on a piano or keyboard. Along with the link he wrote a little something and it included a personal note regarding his belief that nobody cared about anything he might have to say and so that is why he doesn’t share his thoughts, likes or anything else of that sort. Naturally I couldn’t help but ponder that this might also be why he no longer posts on his blog; and I was utterly heart broken. Todd is such a brilliant man with such a unique way of looking at the world. Life is not an easy journey, not for anyone. Even the so called privileged have their own pleather of issues that make their lives as fracked up as the rest of us. We also find different ways to cope, deal, survive and hopefully overcome or surpass those issues. If sharing my horrors and pain, but more importantly, my ability to grow and become stronger with others who have also suffered similar abuse can help those others; than my suffering wasn’t in vain. It was worth it, all of it, if I can help to save even just one other life from suicide or other self-harming behavior. Because I get it. It is a battle, depression is; one that can last a lifetime…I’m straying way off topic…sorry about that. I miss Todd, I don’t see him enough anymore. I miss his posts too. I care about what he has to say.

Tomorrow will be a crazy and exhausting day. I was supposed to have a CT and MRI today and then have the follow-up with the doctor tomorrow, but the MRI machine was down today so we had to reschedule for tomorrow morning before my follow-up (obviously). Today was the last day of school for the Elementary kids, so Vanessa and I get to drag Lucas, Dahlton and L’il D around with us all day starting at 8:30am and going until about 2-2:30pm I think. Doesn’t that sound fun? :/

(06/05/2014) Everything is healing properly, all hardware is in place and holding and the bone build-up with the cadaver bone is fusing nicely. My bones are still showing continued degeneration, but it has slowed significantly since my last MRI (O.D.ing on bone strengthening vitamins actually paying off, giggidy!!!) and nothing is pinching or infringing on my spinal cord anywhere near the cervical area. We’re still ignoring my lower lumbar issues for the time being, but my pain tolerance is getting much higher so that’s not a biggy right now. The increasing shockwaves that start around the area of the incision on my back he believes is where they had to cut through muscle and nerves to place the screws in the back of my neck; now those nerves are trying to reconnect and heal, which I should have figured out on my own. But the way the shocks trigger other shock waves down my back and arms and up into my head? That he agreed is unusual.

No helpful answers, just an agreement…but at least I’m not a hypochondriac, right? I think I might prefer being a hypochondriac…I’m pretty sure one of my alter egos would be quite successful at knocking that kind of stupidity right out of my dumbass. But then again, they haven’t really protected me throughout my life as they have wreaked havoc whenever I cowardly ran away…I recognize and accept responsibility for all of my actions whether I was in control or not; if I had faced my issues when I first suspected, if I had gotten proper help instead of trying to hide it and fix it myself, a lot of pain might have been avoided. But I can’t change the past, I can only try to do better and be stronger going forward.

 I have oodles of shit that’s been racing up and down the vast corridors of my mind. I want Michael to talk with me when we all walk, but he’s soo annoyingly quiet these days…I’m certain because everyone still feels I’m too “fragile” with the mental and emotional overloads (yeah, that’s a good word for it) that keep going on with our family. We are all so broken-even Lucas is being affected by all this toxic…ahh!!! What the frack do you call it, Devil Jizz!?!?!! That’s what it feels like, some kind of nasty, evil, gooey, gross jizzy type of invisible ooze that you just can wash off. And now I desperately need to take a scalding hot shower…I annoy myself sometimes. Till next I post… 🙂

 Peace, love and blessings

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥ ♥ ♥





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