I think I’m Rambling Again…

I hate when there are so many voices in my head with so much…and you feel like ~ “Holy shit!!! If everyone doesn’t back off and shut the frack up, nobody gets their say!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (06/21/2014)

I saw my therapist yesterday, which I guess was somewhat helpful, just not quite as much as I had hoped for…which is par for the course, or whatever the heck that stupid saying is. I don’t really give a shit. (06/24/2014)

Well!! Lots of time has passed since I tried working this…Ha ha!! Best honey nut Cheerios commercial ever!!! Grumpy Cat guest starred!! Logan is so going to love that. I haven’t seen it before, sorry ‘bout that. I’m easily sidetracked and humored. If you could understand them, my menagerie of pets would tell you stories…never mind. Don’t want to scare ya all off…heh heh heh (imagine devilish wink & eyebrow quirky thing that Todd does but I can’t {pout, pout}). 😉

Yeah…my mind is racing with so many things I wanted to type and probably would be done by now if I was one of those 100 wpm typist people. Unfortunately, I am not one of those 100 wpm typist people, I am a hunt and pecker typist person (giggle). J Yes, there is a story there; probably one of only a handful of non-unpleasant memories that Kai has shared with me from her/our marriage to Wade. Ahh yes, and there again, another story untold. No wonder I can’t ever get my stories finished…damned incessant need to explain how and where everything connects. I haven’t quite figured out if I do it because I’m actually remembering something new and am trying to work it out for myself at the exact time that some poor friend, family member, (critter as the case sometimes is) asks about something and they get stuck listening to my rambles; or if I’m just hoping someone will tell me I’m at least going in the right direction.

Shit!! I can’t even get through one paragraph without changing the subject at least once if not more. I wonder if this-son of a bitch!! I got distracted and now I don’t remember what I was writing! I fricken hate when I do that!! Ha ha!! I remembered!! I was starting to say I wonder if this could be a med change thing, considering I’m self-adjusting my dosages again. I know there are certain ones that I need, like for the nerve damage and shit, but some of the others I would like to try to deal with using herbal remedies or something that don’t affect my already damaged and deteriorating memory. Considering I’m getting migraines again despite the Topamax, I’m weaning myself off of that one as well as the Zoloft. I’ve already weaned myself off all the pain meds but two, and I’ve cut those dosages in half by now slowly rebuilding my pain tolerance. Some days I feel very proud of myself for the success I think I am achieving; other days the pain is somewhat overwhelming and I remember that I truly am insane and probably shouldn’t be screwing around with my meds without talking to my doctors since I truly have no idea if I might be totally fucking myself which inadvertently hurts the people I love the most…dilemma, sucky with no giggidy. 🙂

I’m going to jump back to my visit with my therapist for a moment…actually, for me, it’s both my regular doctor and my therapist while for my son it’s only when he goes to see his psychiatrist. Anyway, at every visit for me, because I suffer from severe manic depression episodes I have to fill out this form/questionnaire regarding my current mental state of depression over the last 2 weeks. (07/09/2014)

  Ooh! Mind frack!! Damn it!! F@!k a duck!!!! Interruptions make me forget people!! Quit fricken interrupting me when I’m trying to type!!! And it was funny stuff today (whine, whine with serious lower lip in the pout, seriously)! Ha ha, yay! Another interruption…Logan needs my attention while he broods…today is a bad day memory wise which in my book is one of the worst…humph, pissed Logan off so he’s gone now. Let me see if I can figure out where I was and where/how I want to pick things back up…well the mind frack had something to do with something I had been watching, Penny Dreadful I believe. It’s on Showtime for those who don’t know, Season 1 was only 8 episodes-I’m rather disappointed by that personally. But I don’t recall my original- SQUIRREL!! So I’m reading along and marking my answers on my form-damn it! Fricken dog won’t stop whining outside my bedroom door! No privacy any-fricken-where!-when I get to this question about halfway through regarding suicidal planning…(Ominous music is heard along with an ever-so-cliché “Dum, dum, dum, dummm!)…during the past two weeks, and I get a little stuck. So I put a question mark by it and went on with the rest of the form. (Now that I stop for a moment to ponder ~ I ponder about many, many things; since they make my head hurt, it would probably make a normal persons’ head explode ~ I’d be willing to bet that my medical records are ‘riddled’ with ‘???’ question marks on most of the papers I’ve ever had to fill out, heh heh 😀 ). As I’m finishing up the forms, Diana comes out and calls me back. We exchange our usual hallway banter as we walk to her office (which is actually a long fricken walk, btw) and…long story short (Ooh, it that possible?) she gets to my question mark and asks what’s up? (07/10/2014)

Blah blah blahbidy blah, blah blah! Yeah, no writing today either I guess. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. (07/12/2014)

 I am seriously annoyed…I’m less annoyed now, Shawna gave me chuckles. 😀 Then my awesome friend and neighbor Vanessa took me to my Physical Therapy apt. I think a demon possessed my friend, twice today; while driving to and from. Had my eyes been closed the way they usually are when in a vehicle trying not to have panic attack, I’d have sworn I was riding with my big brother, Todd…I have to go check the door-dog and bird are both wiggin’ out…(07/22/2014)

 I used to think squirrels were all just your plain ordinary brown, period, no exception. I was very mistaken (Plausible proof of female gender ~ admission of flaw: Factoid ;)). We have both a solid black and a pure white albino squirrel that both like to grace our neighborhoods every winter. There is this really kind, older guy, Samuel, who lives down the road on our circle that got a few really good pics one year and wrote this really cool story about the squirrels. I think he originally started with a story about the albino one first, and then followed it with a second with the two of them. Just a few neat stories for the kids (us big ones included) in his spare time. We all got a copy and they were wonderful!!! Has absolutely nothing to do with the “SQUIRRELs!!” that keep popping up in this post.

What I revealed to my therapist regarding the suicidal planning was that I have been trying to figure out if there is any way to kill off one or two (maybe three) of my alter-personalities without killing myself in the process, so I wasn’t entirely sure if that qualified as a yes or no on the questionnaire. But a lot of things have transpired since that appointment, and I’m looking at things from a much clearer point of view these days. Working on some picture art; let’s see if anything else opens up in the process.

Peace and love to all. With Faith, we can achieve everything!! (07/24/2014)

♥ ~ Kyla ~


4 responses to “I think I’m Rambling Again…

  1. What an awesome post!. I really love this stuff you write and I hope you never stop! Unless, of course, its because you’re too busy writing best selling novels, or television sreenplays. Fight club guy killed tyler, so, at least media-phorically, it is indeed possible to kill off an extra personality. Prolly the way to do it in real life has to do with the purpose of the personality being made obsolete. So get rid of the threat the personality was called upon to protect you from, and the personality should lose its identity and go away, unless the zero psychology I ever took is way off base….anyways love ya…

    • I love you too, so very much. I miss your posts. I hope you start writing again soon. Fight Club blew my mind!! Awesome flick! I took a psychology class; it wasn’t as helpful as I had hoped…but I understand my suffering and the why much better now, so it isn’t as bad. Don’t worry, God is with me. 🙂 And you ❤

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