The Unforgivable ~ Confessions

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Well, this one is really hard. Depression is an evil, tricky little bastard. For some of the lucky ones, it is merely a symptom that can be treated and conquered with some therapy and in a few cases short-term use of antidepressants. I really wish I was one of those cases, but I’m not that person. My purpose, and apparently my ability to help others is directly connected to my life of suffering. I finally figured out and understood that a few years ago; after I finally embraced my D.I.D./schizophrenia and came forward to my loved ones about it. After that, my depression was so bad, I let them put me on meds; that’s when the real battle began, but I didn’t know exactly what I was fighting for and instead I screwed everything up, destroying my family. The hardest part of all of this chaos is the Swiss cheese memory I have developed over the past several years. I had convinced myself that it was all connected to the absolute mental breakdown I thought happened in 2009, the summer everything broke. I now know that the breakdown actually happened somewhere around the end of 2006 and the beginning of 2007; and mentally I just ran away. (08/13/2014 9:32am)

Guess what? Squirrel!! Wow, lots going on, so many possible directions right this moment; whatever shall I choose? Easy, pick the cutest!! 😀 Doodlebug, our 7-yr-old Pomeranian with a slightly Chihuahua-ish looking face apparently shares a few of my delusions. While residing in this home, we have lost 3 beloved feline family members. I have the ashes of the first in a box that still remain on a shelf on my old desk, and I still miss her dearly. It has been at least 10 years now since she died in my arms, but I still feel her presence. Dammit!!! Squirrel!! (08/13/2014 3:48pm)

Heh heh heh heh heh! I think it’s Saturday now. I’m at my Sister Shawna’s for an impromptu 3 day & night visit. It’s supposed to be a vacation of sorts; a chance for me to re-acquaint myself with the concept of relaxing at least. I am having a few minor difficulties with all aspects of my treatments that have a “Patient Must Relax” requirement in any of the recovery ‘steps’. I don’t seem to remember very well how to “completely relax’ every muscle completely. And the chitlins have arrived with the food we must divide… (08/16/2014)

 Wow, fast weekend. I’m back home now, had PT this morning which turned out so much better than anticipated, let me tell you!! Wait a sec…what have I filled you in on thus far? BRB…huh. Looks like I’ve told you a little of some random shit, and a whole lot of nothing else! Peachy! So how do I quickly sum up everything I remember wanting to put in this post quickly because I now have 4-5 other things I want to write about? (Wtf? That almost never happens. What’s up with you?) I got things to say and other things to figure out. On top of that, I’ve got shit to prove! (That’s our girl!) LMFAOAM~{AM=At Myself} And that is one of the many vast ways in which you are truly delusional and oh, so very wrong! I am not “your girl”. It is Renie right now, is it not? Kai and I are now joined or whatever; I don’t see her in the group bitch fests, mirrors or even in the meditation sessions anymore. It’s exquisite!! Ouch!!! I am not repeating that even if it is YOU saying it. You are so far off base it’s like the worst joke ever that the local moron thinks is hilarious, so he keeps telling EVERYONE he fricken meets!! And even though the tale and punch are rather rude and borderline crude, no one will explain to him that he is not funny, but in fact quite offensive though the entire town/village/community are all aware of the fact that THAT is truly all that is required.

  • The courage to reach out and attempt to communicate ~ Huge step 1.
  • The courage and strength to shut up and not just listen, but actually HEAR everything being confessed/admitted/shared/revealed; whatever the case may be, it is always a “takes-two-to-Tango” sort of thing ~ Major Huge step 2.
  • You have to be willing to admit, face, defeat and forgive everything that has become an obstacle to the true happiness you and your family deserve. Both sides, not just one; and in some cases, 3-4 down the road as we assess the damage our current negative behavior has affected them both ~ Major Huge step 3.

 

(08/19/2014) Okay, angry tangent yesterday which apparently got interrupted, naturally. Perhaps now I can get back to the point of this post. I’m pretty sure my own mind is adding to the diversions due to the difficulty of my guilt in everything that’s totally screwed, but I do not intend to let that stop me. I keep telling Logan if he expects respect and to be treated like an adult just because he is 18, then he needs to grow up and behave like an adult 18-yr-old and earn what he desires. Well, I recognize where that advice applies to myself as well, so I’m taking it.

The annoyingly difficult part (different from the hardest part of all this-necessary clarification) is the memory issues, although I’m quite certain there are many who might argue that the ‘whole brain damage’ period trumps that. I however, am fine with most of it, I’ve made my peace. But the memory issues are becoming the proverbial bane of my existence right now, so I’m feeling a rather passionate hate-on, ya know? Oh, and let us not forget the best part of that joy-ride ~ anything and everything could be real or-Logan requires my attention so the world must stop now! BRB…and now we’re sort of in an argument, giggidy! Foods here!! Squirrel!!

(08/24/2014) Alright, if I’m going to get this told, I’m going to have to do it in a clinical factoid kind of way, or I’ll never get it told. It is highly emotional, and the guilt I feel is quite overwhelming. In all honesty, I feel like the harder I try to do the right thing, the more I fuck everything up which really screws with my current arguments regarding the importance of my continued existence. Fortunately, God has blessed me with so many wonderful people for whom my love is far greater than my self-loathing; so for them I pray for the strength (and sometimes the continued will) to overcome my weaknesses, my fears, my failings and keep fighting the good fight we call life…little depressed, sorry.

Lucas, our youngest son was born 02/16/2006. He was induced at 38 weeks due to a few concerns (I had already been on bed rest since 26 weeks I think; it was Thanksgiving), 6 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long. After he was born, – Squirrel!!for the fricken record, I offered more than once! Why can’t you just ask?! Say specifically what it is that you would like?!? AHH!!!Squirrel!!– I wrote several poems, all full of wild emotions; which is all very typical following childbirth.

(08/29/2014) I seem to be at war with my “community” within. My therapist, Diana, says she has a few other D.I.D. patients that refer to their alter-personalities-or the voices in their heads’-as their ‘community’. I thought I’d give it a whirl, but we don’t really care much for it. Now that I hear it (read it), no. We aren’t a community; and I feel that’s a good thing for me to have established that for all of us. We’re much closer than that, and as much as we might hate one another at times, I know that I would never have survived my life without them. However, when we hurt and I don’t stand up for myself, when I Run Away, I am still responsible for whatever havoc they might wreak. The reasons behind it are triggered I suppose, which may be beyond my control, but I am still responsible for our actions.

Fuck!!!!!! Sorry momma, terrible word!! I truly dislike it as much as the word Hate. But as hard as this is, I feel it really is crucial for me to do this. It’s a Revelations thing that other than God, I think Todd might be the only person who might understand. And maybe Grandmother Imm, funny as that is, LOL!! I know my ma will be reading this because this weekend I’m going up north to visit and plan to show her how to access my blog on her computer.

(08/30/2014) Today is my Grannymas birthday. She passed away in July of 2000 on my step-sisters birthday; the day before my Grannypas birthday (he passed in 1993). I am having a very…not-so-great type of day that sort of began last night, but really is just a continuation of my…slightly askew life that followed me to my safe haven and poisoned it. Somewhere I am quite certain that Murphy, Destiny and Fate are laughing hysterically. :{

It’s 10:25pm now, everyone else is in bed and I suppose I am calmer now than I was earlier, I am still very angry, but I am calmer. Is that a word or should I be saying more calm? Hmm, don’t actually know for certain right at this moment. I think I’m typing gobbledy-gook to distract myself from how angry I actually still am (Seriously, why can’t you just give in to the anger? YOU have a right to be!! He made our mom cry, and then acted as if you did something wrong and treated Moms’ feelings like they were nothing!!! It’s one thing to do that shit to you and Ray, and Todd even, we put up with it as his handicap. NOT MOM!)…Yeah, I know.

In November of 2006, a woman from my sister Shawna’s church called social services on my family and Shawna’s family. Wait, that’s not right…it was Thanksgiving of 2007. My doctor had me on antidepressants by then because I couldn’t pull out of the postpartum depression after Lucas. Based on my poems and info on MyChart I was able to piece a few facts together. I couldn’t write after the meds, I tried ‘Poetry-In-Motion’ through this workshop Shawna and I used to participate in, but I only wrote a few I think. Most of everything from those years (2007-08) were on a hard-drive that crashed. I don’t remember much of anything because I ran away (mentally checked out while someone(s) else took over my body and life). With the depression, I remember trying to find a therapist…I told my family about the D.I.D. for the first time…although Clint already knew…I’m digressing, to many voices all with valid points that never made sense before…so this woman was connected to another woman in their church who somehow got herself inserted into our lives the same way as the first, and tried to say the same crap that had been reported to social services, only led me to believe the so-called information leading to the allegations had come from my sister; and vise-versa. We were both fortunate that social services were already involved in both our families’ lives due to learning disabilities that both our older sons’ have I.E.P.’s for. But the hurt, betrayal and everything else both our families went through; my sister moved to a town that’s about a 45 minute drive away and we didn’t speak for a year. I have vague memories of driving to Logan’s schools a lot for meetings and being grateful on the days that Lucas wasn’t colicky or fussy, his poor little tummy was always so gassy. He had some tummy issue that required medicine; and he had/has a heart murmur…I remember a lot of doctor appointments-I should be able to check his records to verify that-see how frustrating this can get?!!?

(09/02/2014) Kids started back at school today. I’m happy and sad at the same time, typical stay-home mom stuff. I’m very confused about the weekend up at my folks. Turns out the 31st is Grannymas’ birthday, 1 of mom’s 4 uber-sensitive days which is actually a time frame which we share. I just happen to be uber-uber-sensitive these days, lucky me (and everyone in the vicinity that becomes part of my breakdown-at-that-moment)!

(09/10/14) Eight days…it’s really quite amazing just how much can actually happen in the span of just eight days.

(09/11/14) I’m ripping the Band-Aid off and getting the big bad out-of-the-way; I can go back to fact that I now realize it all began two years earlier than I originally thought later (along with the fact that Clint knew and didn’t get you the help you needed?!). Yes, Renie, along with that fact which we only found out this year. (YOU only found out, WE knew she told him because Kai convinced us that he was the real deal, like Skip. That he would keep you safe so we wouldn’t have to!! What a fucking joke!! First real break and he abandoned you and the boys emotionally and blames it on you and Logboy! And don’t forget the resentment after the first month or so of Lucas’s birth!) Enough Renie. I know you’re angry, but right now you’re not helping anything. Now please be quiet so I can finish what I need to, please? Oh, Logan time-BRB.

(09/12/14) Logan time ran longer than I anticipated…Friday Morning-WOW!!! I feel more alive right now, this very second, than I have in over 10 years!! My son is a shit, but God!! Thank you!!! I had forgotten how it felt to truly LIVE, and everything hurts like fricken shit and it’s wonderful!! I’ve definitely had my exercise for the day in a life or death battle over the last cup of coffee. I proved a more worthy opponent than the twerp expected from his “small, crippled and OLD” mom, ha ha!! I know he wasn’t using his full strength out of fear of hurting me, but that was part of how I caught him off guard-he needed more strength than he anticipated; I was stronger and perhaps more ‘wiry’ than he expected. 🙂

Now that Kai and I are integrated, I remember all the various aspects of her parts in my life…It truly is overwhelming sometimes as I try to comprehend all the horrific things she endured for me because even I thought I was too fragile to handle the full impact of the memories; the shame I unwittingly placed on her because of what I thought she represented in comparison to what she actually suffered for the sake of my so-called sanity. I miss her; she was as much an innocent as I. Now she’s gone and I am no innocent, no matter how naïve or dumb-witted I’ve become. I don’t remember much from the years 2007 or 2008. Based on receipts and emails, at least one of my persona’s got seriously addicted to Webkinz!! I apparently own 30+ accounts, my personal account containing over 300 pets and rooms-fully decorated rooms-for them all! I could have told myself I was wallowing in depression, but I had ran away mentally, like the fricken coward that I am! In the summer of 2009, Kai flirted through calls and texts with an old high school friend, David. While she was doing that, Renie was doing the same with a scarier dude, Tommy. Tommy was a guy somewhere between mine and Clint’s age (I think) that we apparently exchanged vocal compliments with on a Wednesday evening at Bogart’s during karaoke. We had touched base with our ‘big brother’ Dano (Dan McGowan from Edina) after having lost track of one another back in the mid-90s. By pure coincidence, he was dating (and is now married to) another old classmate from my junior high school years, Beth St. Martin. Considering how badly that night ended, had I been fully in my straight state of mind I would have…well, I would like to believe I would have recognized it for the omen of impending doom that it was. If only, right? That was the first time it had ever been stated to me that men and women cannot be “just friends”; there is always an underlying attraction or desire on at least one side of the friendship…I do not agree with this. I didn’t then and I still don’t now, despite everything that has transpired over the past five years.

(09/27/2014) Nothing else that I had wanted to say matters anymore. Whether it was while one of my other personalities was in control or not, it is still my fault. I was a coward and ran away. The end result is still the same. In mid to late May of 2009 to July 15th of 2009 I carried on an affair that crossed the sexual line on one occasion (Since this was written, I have confirmed May 31st to have been the first day Tommy called me after stealing my number from Michelle’s phone). On July 15th I suffered a blackout for approximately 2 ½ – 3 hours before waking up in my blazer very disoriented. I remember texting Clint, but not exactly what I texted aside from, “on my way home”. I remember feeling…off, like something was wrong. I think my keys were on the floor of the passenger side of the car, all four windows were ¾ – ½ way down letting the fresh air in. Foolishly, I started my vehicle and began my drive home when I got a text back from Clint. It was a picture of his penis. I was at a stoplight, so I sent a quick text back with a smiley face or something positive like that. He sent back, “Are you sure you want it?” What the hell kind of question is that?! And of course, being the stupid dumbass that I can sometimes be, I started to text that question while driving. Brilliant, right? Cop pulls behind me, lights come on and the rest as they say is history. As in public record type history…

(09/29/2014) (I don’t know if I can do this anymore…the things he says; how could he be so fricken cruel?! And how could I be so weak?!) So, I knew something was off. I was totally cooperative with the police. I asked them to take me to the hospital for a blood test, but I neglected to state that I wanted them to check for drugs because I thought I might have been. Clint picked me up from the police station around 3:30 I believe he said, and said I yelled at him; I have no recollection of that at all. I always felt and believed that I had been sexually assaulted that night and I still do. But a year later, while going through some preparation classes through my church I was hit out of nowhere with the absolute certainty that on one occasion during that summer, I had been unfaithful to my husband. It didn’t matter if another personality had been in control or not, it was still me, my body. I called him immediately in hysterics and confessed my betrayal, and he told me I was forgiven. That I had already been forgiven that summer when he felt certain that something had happened. I was so grateful, lol. I couldn’t believe how wonderful, amazing, loving and forgiving this incredible man the Lord had brought into my life was. What a fricken joke! I have put myself through Hell because of the never-ending Hell he has put me through for the past 2 years (after I began suffering severe memory issues) because he needs all these answers.

(10/14/2014) Now, I think my mental illness, on top of my eldest sons’ issues have driven him over the edge. He tells me he knows God doesn’t exist because he prays for death every day, but he’s still alive so there is no God. Last year he literally asked me if I got pregnant with our 7 yr. old ‘on purpose’! My eldest feels like he can barely stand him. He has never posted a single picture of his wife or eldest son on his Facebook profile, but thinks we are over-reacting because of our depression issues if we try to say anything. It was his birthday last week, and I really went all out because I keep trying to show him how much I love him…I’ve accepted responsibility and fault for everything, but I think I finally get it. All my fighting now is only hurting us all He’s already said he isn’t in love with me anymore. The harder I fight to…what? Make him see he’s wrong? Get him to fall back in love? What the hell lessen am I supposed to be gaining from all this Father? Or is this part of my penances for mistakes in my past? Are sure I can handle all this? From my view-point I’m not doing well. And come judgment day, for all these scars, I’ll again have to nakedly answer to You as well. You know this weighs heavy on my mind and soul. Thank you for the strength You give me, each and every day. Thank You for the love I feels on days like this, which are gloomy and grey. Thank you for the loved ones You watch over and Bless at my bequest, and for always giving me another chance if at first I fail my tests. In Thy son, Jesus’s name, Amen.

Getting hard to type through my tears now…my brain trails, wanders, drifts or whatever you might choose to label it as. I apologize to any readers of differing faiths who may have been offended; please don’t be. My Heavenly Father told me it was not my place to judge but His, which He will do when THAT time comes for us all. If you’ve read enough of my blog, all of it, most of my life story is here. I am an open book. I am trying to be even more honest than ever before because I have inner demons (yes, I am now including my other personalities as demons) that like to mess with my memories, I have problems with my memory that worsen when I get upset, and I feel like some people use that to manipulate me; and I’m tired of hurting nonstop and feeling like everything I do hurts the people I love the most. I need to be strong for the people in my life that I know love me and except me for who I am without making me think I’m even worse than I already do. I feel like a cancer that needs to be eradicated; and I’m so over feeling this way every day!! So, to quote a beloved character of mine, “NO MORE!!”

 

 

 

   Peace, Love & Blessings

♥ ~ Kyla ~

 

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One response to “The Unforgivable ~ Confessions

  1. Pingback: What If I Don’t Feel Like Entering A Title Here??? | Ashley Ann Author's Blog

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