My Recent Hiatus

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Image courtesy of Google Images

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Such excitement…if you can call almost dying again exciting.

I think I was stuck in some weird post-trauma, semi-functional state of shock throughout the month of April, so the full gravity of everything is just now finally starting to really hit me. It has really made me take a seriously close look at my life and how truly up it is messed.

 

(You know that sentence sounds retarded, right?)

 

I do, but the spelling/grammar auto correct changed it saying it was supposed to be like that. Lol, my computer is mentally disable too! No wonder we fight so much!!

Anyway, this tale starts back on March 30th, my eldest son Logan’s 19th birthday. At least the drama does. In a way it began a few months before that, we just didn’t know it. I had been dealing with depression, which is normal. I had been fighting a cold that I couldn’t seem to get over completely, so I felt drained and tired regularly and would once in a while have a cough. This too is somewhat normal. Our youngest, Lucas turned 9 on February 16th. We had his party at Skate Ville and he seemed to have a great time. Shortly after he came down with a cold that he had a hard time getting over. He would get better, then he’d start running a fever and coughing terribly. He missed most of the week of school prior to the week of March 30th, which for him was the beginning of his Spring Break.

So now we’re caught up. March 26th we took Lucas to the doctor’s, got him checked for strep (It was going around his class and his group of friends. I was worried about catching it, but my throat never hurt) but the tests came back negative. The doctor could only tell me he had a really bad chest cold, but didn’t feel it required any antibiotics (He still has that damn cough and now he keeps getting nose bleeds, so we’re getting some tests done). Doctors tend to annoy me at times, despite the fact that I know and credit them for their assistance in saving my life several times.

But enough of all that, it’s Monday, March 30th; first day of spring break and Logan’s 19th birthday.

 

Its (spell check doesn’t proper grammar like it is = it’s) August now; I wrote the above at the beginning of June, and then got distracted by my life and now it’s the middle of August. But then, that’s how I roll, lol. You know you have far surpassed merely being broken when you go from being SNAFUed to full on FUBARed. (I do so enjoy that, the confused looks on non-military peoples’ faces when you say that! Especially the younger generations like our son’s. Priceless!!)  

 

We’ve rolled again and now it’s September, school has already started for Lucas-today having been day three. He is still happy about it and being in the fourth grade. He scored above the whole state on his assessment in English, but still struggles in math barely hitting average. Logan and I have a meeting next Monday with his IEP team to get his bus schedule and all that fun crap and then he is starting back next Wednesday. I am very proud of him because he doesn’t function well in the morning with his insomnia, and has not yet found a way to master it in a way that benefits his best functionality. Perhaps I was able to, actually Todd & I both, because of the horrors we endured as children, found a way to compartmentalize our sleeping and non-sleeping and ways to function on little sleep while quite young?

 

(You’ve become wishy-washy!! Why are you not ripping into that A-hole on Google+?!! He doesn’t know us or our situation! Why aren’t you giving him total hell?!!)

 

Why? So I can waste more time on some dumbass who trolls websites talking to a bunch of women thinking he’s all suave and smooth then gets all butt hurt just because I’m not interested in whatever the hell he thinks he’s offering? Nah, I’d rather try to remember the awesome thought that led to the pink cotton candy clouds we had the other day while in the bathroom.

 

(Best thoughts seem to be thought while in there, and always forgotten by the time we get to paper, so-to-speak).

 

Yeah, I’ve noticed that too, lol. And we might not have forgotten it all if we hadn’t been interrupted and mocked by one who simply can’t comprehend the splendor of the world through the eyes of a mind that is not crippled by the simplistic schematics of the world as seen by most whose eyes are blind to the wonders of all that God has given us if we simply allow ourselves to see everything there is to see and be awed by it. At any rate, we’re nearing the end of September now, Logan made it to school twice and is now waffling between whether or not to continue or get a job as well as staying with Lilly or giving his ex-girlfriend Savannah another go. Neither of these are going over well with Clint, so Hell has now found an open gateway to Earth via my house-hold and every day is a brand new type of never-ending war-zone. Can we say giggidy?

 

(You’ve been staring at this page for a couple of hours now and the first words being typed are by me. What’s wrong with this picture??)

 

My head hurts and you, along with a multitude of others won’t shut the hell up! These factors combined with the negative energy I’m rather unsuccessfully battling against are all contributing to a slight difficulty in finding just the right words with which I would have liked to have begun my dialogue.

 

(Let me guess, that was one of those; “Ask me a stupid question, get a stupid answer” kind of things?)

 

You’re quick. Now piss off, thank you kindly.

So we’re six days into November now. I’m actually feeling rather foolish having fallen once again for false hope given. The worst part is that because I fell for it, and it hurts; that would surmise that I still give a shit…I don’t want to give a shit anymore. I’ve come to the conclusion that the myriad of emotion attached to giving a shit is not worth it. On the plus side, lesson learned and will definitely not be made again. Always nice when something good can be gained, right?

 

(And you truly believe you can control your ability to not give a shit? Seriously and honestly?)

 

You’re not helping…I am capable of having a semblance of control over what I give a shit about when I really want to as long as you and certain other “people” don’t interfere, so stay out of it and piss the frack off!!!!

Damned voices in my head never seem to know when to keep their 2 cents to themselves for once! Sometimes, I really would just like some peace & quite. Give me a minute to breathe and I can then start the compartmentalizing, you know?

 

Happy New Year’s Eve! Yippy. So obviously much time has passed, life is what it is, which at this very moment is not everything I had hoped. I am not overly sad to see 2015 go away; however, I am not particularly optimistic towards 2016 being any better either…It’s all rather disappointing really. SSDY, lol.

I never seem to get any one thing told when I want to; all these short little paragraphs from random moments throughout the passing months when I hope I will finish the last tale so I can tell the new one. But I type slow, get distracted easily, lose time more often than I realized until I started paying attention! I find that a smidge on the maybe I should be concerned(?) side, but it is what it is, you know?

What we now refer to as “The Spring Break 2015 Deal” was my hospitalization from Logan’s birthday on March 30th until Easter Sunday on April 4th when I finally got to go home with a PICC line attached to my arm for the next 2 months for daily antibiotics followed by another 2-3 months of another 2 oral antibiotics after that.

PICC Line1  . . PICC Line2

Can we say “Oh joy to us who survived death once more!”?? From what I was told by the ‘witnesses’ of the occurrences that I don’t recall (not exactly conscious), I made quite the impression on the first day alone and continued to awe my hospital care team in the ICU until I awoke from my “coma” late Wednesday afternoon. Or was it Thursday…still a bit foggy on that, lol.

I’ve been told I flat lined a few times, 5 minutes being the longest being my boys were removed from the room. Apparently I went all She-Hulk and tore all the tubes out of my throat and neck. It took 6 orderlies to get me restrained and back on the gurney so they could get tubes back in before my pipes(?) swelled close. After two weeks of washing, I still couldn’t get the green out of my hair, so I colored it colors of my choosing. 😀

Hair first try

So that’s the story that has taken me almost a year to write. It’s January 21, 2016 and I’m not the same person since that trial; I’m off. I don’t know all the facts from Monday morning to whenever I woke up, but I know I almost didn’t win that battle and everything seems different now. I do have some hella wicked scars, though!

April 5th 2015. . .Scar

Logan is super jealous; did I mention the insanity can be passed on? I failed him in so many ways despite my over-protectiveness. Is that what’s going to happen with Lucas? He is so bright; his light fills this entire home! But what happen to the light within the rest of us? No, I am not the same person I was before; and that really scares the hell out of me…

I know my flaws, I know my mistakes and I know greatest weaknesses. I can’t change events that are done and past; I won’t keep having them used like weapons against me. I’ve paid my penance and God knows how hard I’ve tried; words and actions don’t mean what they should and nobody gave me the cypher!

On the plus side, I’ve been working hard with my vocal chords and discovered Smule’s Sing! App so will occasionally post a duet here and there. I hope you all enjoy this newly shared part of me.

 

 

♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥♥

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