You are correct, again…always.
I’m a foolish, naive, gullible and easily manipulated dumbshit.
Everyone just walks all over me and I just let them,
Your betrayal of me has become habitual, it’s a daily routine for you now.
Your betrayal of “our” first child and lack of support, that I was not prepared for.
The discovery of your lies, for so many years, has decimated everything I had become-for you.
You claimed that you loved me not just because you thought I was beautiful on the outside, but inside as well.
My strength, determination, my fight and my drive. My desire to be more, my self-confidence and independence; my passions, hopes and dreams. My Faith.
My honesty when I told you the entire truth about my mental illness that I was aware of at that time and I broke it off with you. I tried to set you free.
But you chose to make false promises convincing me you would stay if I did. I loved you and did believe you, so I stayed.
It was a slow process in the beginning, getting me out of school and to stop singing, both work and socially. But then you really started changing me.
Now you don’t understand what happened to the woman who you fell in love with? YOU literally killed her. THAT person is dead.
The beautiful baby boy she had is also gone. After he made a mistake, and then puberty hit; it caused major havoc with the chemical imbalance he already had and YOU rejected him.
He’s twenty now and they still haven’t gotten an accurate diagnosis. But apparently that was so unforgivable, you have treated him like an unwanted stepson ever since.
Then you wonder why he got so depressed?? Why he feels like he’s no longer your son?? YOU have made it clear to him that he is not in YOUR eyes.
Heavenly Father Blessed us with another miracle; YOU weren’t prepared for it and decided WE, the boys and I, deserved to be punished for disrupting your life plan.
So you start using again and have an affair (yeah, I knew). Even your brothers were disgusted with you.
It led to me having a mental breakdown down and behaving with very poor judgement and flirtatious behavior for 2 months. I also attracted a stalker whom I foolishly befriended because you finally seemed to realize that I was worth your attention. I was actually desirable.
But then I was drugged and raped.
You retaliated with distance, manipulation, mental and emotional abuse as well as an affair that goes on for years. Along with multiple lies and now emotion damages to our children.
But I am the monster.
Because I love you.
But I also hate you.
I am not perfect. I have made mistakes I will never forget or forgive myself for. But I have owned every single one of them and busted my ass to make amends.
Do you even care that your lies aren’t just killing me, they’re killing the one child you try convincing everyone you actually love more than yourself or money??
I don’t believe you do.
I don’t believe anything you say anymore.
I never will.
Too many “white lies”.