Still around…

I have written several posts and poems during my seemingly endless hiatus this past year, but everything is so negative, it’s just not worth posting in my opinion. I prefer to be a positive…whatever it is that I am for whom ever it is that I am supposed to effectively touch with the experiences that I share. 

If I am surviving in one sense, but actually not in several other key senses (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.); then what exactly am I surviving and to what point or purpose? How’s my whining, pissing and moaning, occasionally raging with tiradial waves of non-stop bitching about the same shit over and over because I am insane and want things to be different from what they actually are going to help anyone else? 

Point being, I’m not going to waste any more time with the negative things and I don’t want those things to be a constant, repetitive theme for all of the things I post anymore. I am still around though.

I color a good deal of the time while waiting for clothes to wash and/or dry. It’s getting a bit difficult lately as I need new glasses. My eyes have gotten much worse over the last 3 1/2 years. Lol!

Anyways, still fighting the good fight, just can’t seem to find the right inspiration for my writing skills. I will post my #Cra-Z-Art pictures as I finish them. A friend gave me a #Timeless Creations coloring book for my birthday, wonderfully relaxing when the noise gets to be overwhelming! 😃

Peace and love

💜💜💜Kyla💜💜💜

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Monsters

My physical disabilities I’ve come to terms with. I can’t do anything about them that I’m not already doing, and physically I am getting stronger. I am handling the pain surprisingly well (in my opinion) and I am not letting it or any pain meds be the rulers of my life.

My mental illnesses or disabilities (depending on how you look at it) however, I had come to terms with at one or two points in my 44 years, but i can’t say that I am anymore. I tried to deal and handle them on my own for most my life, although honestly, I didn’t do the greatest job. But then, I was always afraid to ever talk to anyone about my suspicions about what was really wrong with me because I feared getting tossed in a loony bin. Besides, until I was 25, it didn’t really matter that much. Not to me…I suppose I ought to say us. Most of my time loss was minimal, I always had flashes of what the other was up to, sort of; except for a few situations where I ‘woke up’ so’s to speak and had to figure out where the hell I was, how I got there and how long I had been gone. Most of the time they were just small bits of my day or evening and I’d find out I did something embarrassingly stupid or uncharacteristically bold and harsh on behalf of someone else. I’m lousy at standing up for myself, but I am fierce when it comes to the people I love; I can’t even figure that…no, I can…Hmm. I might be getting better at this; I hold the people I love at a higher worth value than I hold myself, they are worth standing up for. I am not 100% sure I believe I am worth standing up for considering some of the terrible things that are domino effect results of my mental illnesses. Granted, I have no control when another personality does take over, just as I generally have no memory of what that personality does But that doesn’t change the fact that it is my body, and my loved ones who get hurt; so I take full responsibility for not being strong enough to face everything life throws at me which is what I assume causes me to run away and gives the others an opportunity to take control. My therapist doesn’t agree with this though. She says I’m too hard on myself; that I’ve let all the negative verbal abuse thrown at me throughout my life by other people, especially people who were close to me in some way, brainwash me into believing those negative things and worse, along with the constant chastising voices in my head and the ‘awesome friends’ nobody else can see who love to point out all my mistakes, or remind me over and over and over (you get the picture) again of everything negative anyone and everyone has ever said to me. It’s such a joyous gift…NOT!

It’s the next day now, I’ve opted not to keep track of the days/dates on this one because it tends to distract me. I’m quite distracted by numerous other things on a regular basis, so to purposely add a distraction seems rather unfruitful and therefore a waste of time. I waste enough time already as well. These are things I am trying to change. This morning I was doing really well, feeling good; but I forgot to take my morning meds when the alarm went off. I was only 1 1/2 hours late, but I had gotten up, made coffee, fluffed the clothing in the drier, got them out and onto my bed so I could transfer the load in the washer into the drier, folded the clothing on the bed and put them away and then hung up all the hang up clothes. The ache in my back and shoulders should have been my first clue, but no. My phone dings, Facebook message from my dad-send quick response, little chat ensues, cool. “Answer the phone.” (???) Doodoodoodoodoodoo (Our phone doesn’t “Ring” per-say). We had a very nice 45 minute conversation. We worry about each other because we both deal with depression and upon reconnecting and have discovered we also share a lot of the same physical disabilities as well. When he first found out, he said he felt so Blessed to have someone to talk to who literally understood everything he was going through and feeling, but it broke his heart at the same time knowing it was his daughter, 21 years younger than him and 15-20 years before her time. (This was about 3 years ago, I think). Anyway, (see, easily distracted, even by myself!!) it was nice to hear his voice. We have a complicated history, and he hasn’t been in my life for much of it. I never used to fear my death, only the death of those I love. I’ve always obsessed over death though, now that I think about it; for as long as I can remember…sidetracked again, sorry.

When I first started writing poetry, I was but a child with pain in my heart and soul. I saw and heard things nobody else did. I had a very strong belief in God, Lucifer, Demons, Monsters, Spirits-both good and evil, and Angels especially because one walked with me everyday. Did I write fabulously weird poems about these things? Heck no! I was 12, I wrote about friendship, clouds and dreams, the imagination; really simplistic things. Then puberty hit with its wonderful flood of wacky hormones to mix with the chemical imbalance I already had but no one knew about because they didn’t know about that kind of stuff when I was a kid. That’s when my writing started getting more personal and much more private.

It’s March 10th today. I initially started this post on January 16th, and it was intended to have to do with how I feel like I am a monster because of some of my mental health issues and blah blah. I had been struggling really hard trying to wrap my head around a few things that just weren’t processing through, and being the OCD type of weirdo that I am, naturally , I obsessed over the why of the shit that I simply couldn’t wrap my head around! (Did trying to read that make your head hurt a little? Just a taste of what I’ve been putting myself through). Sounds pretty insane doesn’t it? Yet still they ask, every day…And yes, I know I’m crazy too. I’m told that often as well. Have you stepped out into the world lately? Show me someone who isn’t just a tiny bit crazy and I’ll show you someone with no imagination or passion. In all seriousness though, hopefully not too many are as…hindered as I am, though I know I am not alone. I also know there are many who suffer even more, and it makes me shudder…which sort of brings me back to my point today.

When I first started sharing my poems with the “world”, and subsequently began to share my life, my story; it was in the hopes of not only helping myself therapeutically through my writing, but also with the hopes of connecting and perhaps helping others who might find themselves in a similar situation. Granted my poems are from my point of view, which at times were misled and quite paranoid when “lack of communication” moved in and seemed to take over for several years. I have come to a lot of realizations since beginning this post-possibly why I haven’t finished it yet-thanks to some wise words from a vast variety of sources. Obviously my therapist is one of them and she is truly quite awesome. Above her are the top two which are my Mama and my brother Todd. They have always had my back no matter what, even when they disagreed with my decisions. My mom would lovingly explain why she disagreed, but still stood beside me if I chose to move forward. Todd is as blunt and straight forward as they come.

“This is my opinion about what is going on and what I think you need to do. I love you and I just want you happy, healthy and safe. So there it is and here I am whenever you need me. Just call. I’ll respect your choice because I love you.”

Right there I already have more than a lot of others who suffer from a mental illness that effects their behavior. I’m very aware of the many Blessings I have been given throughout my life. Some of them I think of as rewards for having survived one of the trials or tribulations I am to face throughout my life until I finally complete the primary task I am here for. I don’t look at the world the same way as anyone else and I definitely don’t see it the same way as everyone else either. I’m starting to get sidetracked.  My point, I don’t think I’m a monster anymore, in fact I know I’m not. I have a few mental disorders and sometimes I fall apart…and it can be really bad. But that doesn’t make me a monster. I am doing everything within my capabilities to be the best version of me that I can be. Ha ha, that’s funny. But I really am as far as meds, therapy, PT for the neck and all the follow-ups. (Hey tikka? Have you ever actually explained your diagnosis’? Or does everyone have E.S.P.?) …some of it I know I have here and …who ? I usually recognize the voices that interrupt me so adding them in had/has become second nature, but that wasn’t a familiar voice…?? Maybe…It’s been a long day and my head-it’s doing it’s thing. 🙂

Many of us who deal with some form of mental disability, we have a very negative, warped view of ourselves. Because of a chemical imbalance in our brain in my son’s and my case, we are manically depressive, over-sensitive, we are prone to insomnia, tend to have severe highs and lows. We have symtoms that fall under a variety of mental disorders, but no one specific which makes finding the right meds difficult. I’ve been lost for awhile and almost forgot I had a say in the matter, but not anymore.

I finally found my center and within my center I found my peace. WOW! From within my peace I found my strength and balance. I’m doing much better now. 🙂

Kyla

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Midnight_Whisper_by_PyroDemi

Midnight Whisper by PyroDemi

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Boys raped more than Girls! By The Rejected Lemon

Spread the word as much as we can, save as many as possible…!

The Rejected Lemon

While most of us were busy uploading our childhood pictures this Children’s Day,

take a look at the other side of the coin.

5-6 children die of abuse every day in the world.

3 million girls in Africa, Egypt and Sudan subjected to genital mutilation every year.

218 million child labourers found worldwide, out of which 126 million are subjected to hazardous work.

With regard to child labour in India, 50.2% of children work all seven days of the week.

81.16% of the girl child labourers work in domestic households, while 84% of the boy child labourers worked in tea stalls or kiosks.

150 million girls and 73 million boys under 18 forced into some form of sexual violence.

53% of children in India are victims of sexual abuse, says a survey conducted by UNICEF.

What’s worse is that in 50% cases, the abusers were known to the child –…

View original post 457 more words

Playing with the Blog :)

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Hello ya all. First off, I would like to thank the many people who have reached out in concern, love, support and just plain human kindness. Mere words could never express how much that truly and deeply has touched my damaged and tormented heart and soul. You have helped give me strength when my own wails and demons made it too difficult for my higher power to carry me through my hard times. Thank you all. ❤

Secondly, I will be re-posting some of my older work as well as any new stuff I write, and transferring many to photo backgrounds than reposting them. I’m trying to re-kickstart my artistic side and see if I can get inspired to not only write more (hopefully happier stuff), but also to draw and paint. Time to get out of the funk and start living again, just differently. Time to find my happy place again. Hope you’re all willing to keep sticking with me. 😀

Peace, Love & Blessings

♥ ~ Kyla ~

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Image courtesy of Google images

Image courtesy of Google images

 

I Don’t Know…Not Anymore

(05/23/2014) You know, starting these little ditties is surprisingly tougher once you’re actually in front of the computer ready to type than you would expect or imagine it to be. It’s dumber than shit, like stage fright except for the seriously pathetic fact that you’re in front of a computer all by yourself!! How fracked up is that??!! Ah, but the upside, I am comfortable laughing at myself in a loving, unconditionally accepted way that reminds me that everything has its reason. Far be it for me to question the ways and the whys…Oh yeah, I forgot! LOL!! That’s what I fricking do!! I question shit!! All of it!!!! And ya know what? I usually get answers. They are usually pretty clear. They aren’t fricken clear anymore…

(05.28.2014) Thinking…contrary to what some consider “popular belief” (or so I’ve heard), thinking is not a good thing. Not always…And Alfred Hitchcock was a sick, twisted bastard whose wife should’ve smothered in his sleep!!! Good God Alma, why’d you keep going back you dumb-ass??!!

(05/29/2014) Thinking is still not my friend, but we’re working on our issues. :/ So many bizarre, not quite so little thoughts traipsing around the various hallways, nooks and crannies of my goofy little head…I need to work on labeling some of these doors so I quit opening the ones that knock me on my ass!! Black X, Black X, Black X; there!! That should work for now; as long as I don’t think I’m playing pirates with any of my other selves. 😉

Grrr! Word says “my alters” in that last sentence is a grammar issue, but I’ve changed and reworded it like 8 times now and apparently it’s still off! Well too fricken bad!! I’m leaving it the way it is! (It truly is bugging the shit out of me though; thought I should fill you in on that just in case you hadn’t already figured that out based on this entire fricken paragraph dedicated to a single dam sentence)!  😦 ( I fixed it, yay for me!!) 😀

(05/30/2014) My family…I cherish my family, each and every one of them, faults and all. I couldn’t always say that. Three years ago I could not have said that…is that right? Yeah, it is. I’ve actually come a seriously long way over the past few years in regards to dealing with the big ‘daddy issues’ that I had always thought were the root of all my primary mental issues. However, as awesome as that is, I now know that Julian was not the root problem, his parents were. His father specifically, but Irene played her role. Fix one crack, another one starts across the hallway around the corner. Can you hear it? I’m digressing, sorry about that.

Back from the spine doc checkup; next week we get to have a CT and an MRI! Isn’t just oodles of excitement?!

And I can’t stop this damned thinking!!! Random thoughts, random words, random gobbledygook…Fear, isolation, suffering, blessed, cursed, manipulation, lies, pain, love, happiness, fearless, fearsome, betrayal, trust, faith and so on and so on. It’s endless and it’s constant and if there were anything left of my sanity to lose, it would certainly leave me lost. Memories that are lost, memories forgotten, memories that are apparently false altogether!

(06.03.2014) Today has become a grey day. My heart and my soul hurt in a way that can’t be described by words, but I know a lot of folks out there know exactly what I’m talking about. Thinking…my big brother-I love him so much. He used to post a blog at least once a month, but he hasn’t for a very, very long time. I’ve really missed his posts. Yesterday he posted a link to a gal singing a beautiful song she wrote and composed on a piano or keyboard. Along with the link he wrote a little something and it included a personal note regarding his belief that nobody cared about anything he might have to say and so that is why he doesn’t share his thoughts, likes or anything else of that sort. Naturally I couldn’t help but ponder that this might also be why he no longer posts on his blog; and I was utterly heart broken. Todd is such a brilliant man with such a unique way of looking at the world. Life is not an easy journey, not for anyone. Even the so called privileged have their own pleather of issues that make their lives as fracked up as the rest of us. We also find different ways to cope, deal, survive and hopefully overcome or surpass those issues. If sharing my horrors and pain, but more importantly, my ability to grow and become stronger with others who have also suffered similar abuse can help those others; than my suffering wasn’t in vain. It was worth it, all of it, if I can help to save even just one other life from suicide or other self-harming behavior. Because I get it. It is a battle, depression is; one that can last a lifetime…I’m straying way off topic…sorry about that. I miss Todd, I don’t see him enough anymore. I miss his posts too. I care about what he has to say.

Tomorrow will be a crazy and exhausting day. I was supposed to have a CT and MRI today and then have the follow-up with the doctor tomorrow, but the MRI machine was down today so we had to reschedule for tomorrow morning before my follow-up (obviously). Today was the last day of school for the Elementary kids, so Vanessa and I get to drag Lucas, Dahlton and L’il D around with us all day starting at 8:30am and going until about 2-2:30pm I think. Doesn’t that sound fun? :/

(06/05/2014) Everything is healing properly, all hardware is in place and holding and the bone build-up with the cadaver bone is fusing nicely. My bones are still showing continued degeneration, but it has slowed significantly since my last MRI (O.D.ing on bone strengthening vitamins actually paying off, giggidy!!!) and nothing is pinching or infringing on my spinal cord anywhere near the cervical area. We’re still ignoring my lower lumbar issues for the time being, but my pain tolerance is getting much higher so that’s not a biggy right now. The increasing shockwaves that start around the area of the incision on my back he believes is where they had to cut through muscle and nerves to place the screws in the back of my neck; now those nerves are trying to reconnect and heal, which I should have figured out on my own. But the way the shocks trigger other shock waves down my back and arms and up into my head? That he agreed is unusual.

No helpful answers, just an agreement…but at least I’m not a hypochondriac, right? I think I might prefer being a hypochondriac…I’m pretty sure one of my alter egos would be quite successful at knocking that kind of stupidity right out of my dumbass. But then again, they haven’t really protected me throughout my life as they have wreaked havoc whenever I cowardly ran away…I recognize and accept responsibility for all of my actions whether I was in control or not; if I had faced my issues when I first suspected, if I had gotten proper help instead of trying to hide it and fix it myself, a lot of pain might have been avoided. But I can’t change the past, I can only try to do better and be stronger going forward.

 I have oodles of shit that’s been racing up and down the vast corridors of my mind. I want Michael to talk with me when we all walk, but he’s soo annoyingly quiet these days…I’m certain because everyone still feels I’m too “fragile” with the mental and emotional overloads (yeah, that’s a good word for it) that keep going on with our family. We are all so broken-even Lucas is being affected by all this toxic…ahh!!! What the frack do you call it, Devil Jizz!?!?!! That’s what it feels like, some kind of nasty, evil, gooey, gross jizzy type of invisible ooze that you just can wash off. And now I desperately need to take a scalding hot shower…I annoy myself sometimes. Till next I post… 🙂

 Peace, love and blessings

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥ ♥ ♥

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So I’m Just Plain…Damned?

First thing I feel I need to address is the fact that I am still battling my depression, and because of a variety of other wonderful trials that all seem to be hitting my family and I all at the same time, I am totally drowning. So there’s about a 95% chance that this post will reflect the bizarre, erratic trail of my thoughts and feelings. That’s part of the reason I haven’t been posting much (there is a bird on my head! BRB).  (03/11/2014)

 

(03/18/2014) Finally getting back, lol. I can’t seem to finish anything, or even find interest or inspiration for anything. Every time there’s a slight ray of sunshine and I dare to allow myself to believe in happiness again, the proverbial ‘other shoe’ drops and I’ve somehow managed to screw everything up again. And in all absolute honesty, fighting the urge to shred myself to pieces is getting harder and harder every time…but a promise is a promise, and I intend to keep it no matter what.

I’m fairly positive that I’m going through menopause, but when I went to the doc about my earache and a few other things, I forgot to talk to him about that. I always forget something. I’m already nuts; add menopause to that alone and I’m thinking scary mood swings and crap. Top that off with temperamental alters and the rest of my baggage­—

 

😉 (04/23/14) Life, what fun…my insanity had my eldest questioning his own sanity earlier today. I wish I could still remember all the details, it really was quite chuckle worthy. Well, for me it was; I still haven’t figured out if Logan enjoyed the experience nearly as much, but he was smiling—sort of. 😀

 

(04/30/14) And here we are again…only seven days since I last tried to work on this post. I’ve finally gotten it into my head (I think) that if I don’t get it done during the day when I’m alone (assuming I actually get those days); I’ll never get the chance to get back to it later, so I’m getting it done early for a change. So much has happened, I can’t believe it’s only been seven days…but then again, every time I’ve previously tried writing, I’ve never actually gotten the intended story told, so perhaps it’s all just melded together in my head. My concept of time where days, weeks and months are concerned gets really messed up with my fabo memory; giggidy!!

 

When I first started this blog I originally planned to center it around my poetry in an attempt to break through whatever mental barrier was preventing my creativity from being able to flow freely. But that was not my only intention. I also wanted to help people. I always want to help people; all people, as in the whole fricken world!!! And I can’t—or if I can I haven’t been clued in on the How To yet…It’s really quite frustrating.

 

(05.16.14) My world has completely crashed around me and I just don’t want to be anymore. But the Lord won’t let me die yet, and after my break on Easter-suicide is never the answer-which I know, I just snapped. We all just snapped…I talked with mom, Todd, Logan, Lucas and Shawna; but not Paul. I don’t know if he would want to know-his life is good. And not Julian, I think it would break what Sandy left of his heart. I’ve asked Heavenly Father’s forgiveness, but I have to figure out how to forgive myself first I think.

How does one forgive themselves for being who they are when they are told at least once a week that they are a terrible person? When a person is in one way or another criticized or ridiculed for the majority of what they do or say, why on earth would they ever want to do or say anything ever again? But what do I know? I mentally impaired, so nothing I say really matters anyway, right?

 

Check it out, finally said all I have to say.