My Recent Hiatus

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Image courtesy of Google Images

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Such excitement…if you can call almost dying again exciting.

I think I was stuck in some weird post-trauma, semi-functional state of shock throughout the month of April, so the full gravity of everything is just now finally starting to really hit me. It has really made me take a seriously close look at my life and how truly up it is messed.

 

(You know that sentence sounds retarded, right?)

 

I do, but the spelling/grammar auto correct changed it saying it was supposed to be like that. Lol, my computer is mentally disable too! No wonder we fight so much!!

Anyway, this tale starts back on March 30th, my eldest son Logan’s 19th birthday. At least the drama does. In a way it began a few months before that, we just didn’t know it. I had been dealing with depression, which is normal. I had been fighting a cold that I couldn’t seem to get over completely, so I felt drained and tired regularly and would once in a while have a cough. This too is somewhat normal. Our youngest, Lucas turned 9 on February 16th. We had his party at Skate Ville and he seemed to have a great time. Shortly after he came down with a cold that he had a hard time getting over. He would get better, then he’d start running a fever and coughing terribly. He missed most of the week of school prior to the week of March 30th, which for him was the beginning of his Spring Break.

So now we’re caught up. March 26th we took Lucas to the doctor’s, got him checked for strep (It was going around his class and his group of friends. I was worried about catching it, but my throat never hurt) but the tests came back negative. The doctor could only tell me he had a really bad chest cold, but didn’t feel it required any antibiotics (He still has that damn cough and now he keeps getting nose bleeds, so we’re getting some tests done). Doctors tend to annoy me at times, despite the fact that I know and credit them for their assistance in saving my life several times.

But enough of all that, it’s Monday, March 30th; first day of spring break and Logan’s 19th birthday.

 

Its (spell check doesn’t proper grammar like it is = it’s) August now; I wrote the above at the beginning of June, and then got distracted by my life and now it’s the middle of August. But then, that’s how I roll, lol. You know you have far surpassed merely being broken when you go from being SNAFUed to full on FUBARed. (I do so enjoy that, the confused looks on non-military peoples’ faces when you say that! Especially the younger generations like our son’s. Priceless!!)  

 

We’ve rolled again and now it’s September, school has already started for Lucas-today having been day three. He is still happy about it and being in the fourth grade. He scored above the whole state on his assessment in English, but still struggles in math barely hitting average. Logan and I have a meeting next Monday with his IEP team to get his bus schedule and all that fun crap and then he is starting back next Wednesday. I am very proud of him because he doesn’t function well in the morning with his insomnia, and has not yet found a way to master it in a way that benefits his best functionality. Perhaps I was able to, actually Todd & I both, because of the horrors we endured as children, found a way to compartmentalize our sleeping and non-sleeping and ways to function on little sleep while quite young?

 

(You’ve become wishy-washy!! Why are you not ripping into that A-hole on Google+?!! He doesn’t know us or our situation! Why aren’t you giving him total hell?!!)

 

Why? So I can waste more time on some dumbass who trolls websites talking to a bunch of women thinking he’s all suave and smooth then gets all butt hurt just because I’m not interested in whatever the hell he thinks he’s offering? Nah, I’d rather try to remember the awesome thought that led to the pink cotton candy clouds we had the other day while in the bathroom.

 

(Best thoughts seem to be thought while in there, and always forgotten by the time we get to paper, so-to-speak).

 

Yeah, I’ve noticed that too, lol. And we might not have forgotten it all if we hadn’t been interrupted and mocked by one who simply can’t comprehend the splendor of the world through the eyes of a mind that is not crippled by the simplistic schematics of the world as seen by most whose eyes are blind to the wonders of all that God has given us if we simply allow ourselves to see everything there is to see and be awed by it. At any rate, we’re nearing the end of September now, Logan made it to school twice and is now waffling between whether or not to continue or get a job as well as staying with Lilly or giving his ex-girlfriend Savannah another go. Neither of these are going over well with Clint, so Hell has now found an open gateway to Earth via my house-hold and every day is a brand new type of never-ending war-zone. Can we say giggidy?

 

(You’ve been staring at this page for a couple of hours now and the first words being typed are by me. What’s wrong with this picture??)

 

My head hurts and you, along with a multitude of others won’t shut the hell up! These factors combined with the negative energy I’m rather unsuccessfully battling against are all contributing to a slight difficulty in finding just the right words with which I would have liked to have begun my dialogue.

 

(Let me guess, that was one of those; “Ask me a stupid question, get a stupid answer” kind of things?)

 

You’re quick. Now piss off, thank you kindly.

So we’re six days into November now. I’m actually feeling rather foolish having fallen once again for false hope given. The worst part is that because I fell for it, and it hurts; that would surmise that I still give a shit…I don’t want to give a shit anymore. I’ve come to the conclusion that the myriad of emotion attached to giving a shit is not worth it. On the plus side, lesson learned and will definitely not be made again. Always nice when something good can be gained, right?

 

(And you truly believe you can control your ability to not give a shit? Seriously and honestly?)

 

You’re not helping…I am capable of having a semblance of control over what I give a shit about when I really want to as long as you and certain other “people” don’t interfere, so stay out of it and piss the frack off!!!!

Damned voices in my head never seem to know when to keep their 2 cents to themselves for once! Sometimes, I really would just like some peace & quite. Give me a minute to breathe and I can then start the compartmentalizing, you know?

 

Happy New Year’s Eve! Yippy. So obviously much time has passed, life is what it is, which at this very moment is not everything I had hoped. I am not overly sad to see 2015 go away; however, I am not particularly optimistic towards 2016 being any better either…It’s all rather disappointing really. SSDY, lol.

I never seem to get any one thing told when I want to; all these short little paragraphs from random moments throughout the passing months when I hope I will finish the last tale so I can tell the new one. But I type slow, get distracted easily, lose time more often than I realized until I started paying attention! I find that a smidge on the maybe I should be concerned(?) side, but it is what it is, you know?

What we now refer to as “The Spring Break 2015 Deal” was my hospitalization from Logan’s birthday on March 30th until Easter Sunday on April 4th when I finally got to go home with a PICC line attached to my arm for the next 2 months for daily antibiotics followed by another 2-3 months of another 2 oral antibiotics after that.

PICC Line1  . . PICC Line2

Can we say “Oh joy to us who survived death once more!”?? From what I was told by the ‘witnesses’ of the occurrences that I don’t recall (not exactly conscious), I made quite the impression on the first day alone and continued to awe my hospital care team in the ICU until I awoke from my “coma” late Wednesday afternoon. Or was it Thursday…still a bit foggy on that, lol.

I’ve been told I flat lined a few times, 5 minutes being the longest being my boys were removed from the room. Apparently I went all She-Hulk and tore all the tubes out of my throat and neck. It took 6 orderlies to get me restrained and back on the gurney so they could get tubes back in before my pipes(?) swelled close. After two weeks of washing, I still couldn’t get the green out of my hair, so I colored it colors of my choosing. 😀

Hair first try

So that’s the story that has taken me almost a year to write. It’s January 21, 2016 and I’m not the same person since that trial; I’m off. I don’t know all the facts from Monday morning to whenever I woke up, but I know I almost didn’t win that battle and everything seems different now. I do have some hella wicked scars, though!

April 5th 2015. . .Scar

Logan is super jealous; did I mention the insanity can be passed on? I failed him in so many ways despite my over-protectiveness. Is that what’s going to happen with Lucas? He is so bright; his light fills this entire home! But what happen to the light within the rest of us? No, I am not the same person I was before; and that really scares the hell out of me…

I know my flaws, I know my mistakes and I know greatest weaknesses. I can’t change events that are done and past; I won’t keep having them used like weapons against me. I’ve paid my penance and God knows how hard I’ve tried; words and actions don’t mean what they should and nobody gave me the cypher!

On the plus side, I’ve been working hard with my vocal chords and discovered Smule’s Sing! App so will occasionally post a duet here and there. I hope you all enjoy this newly shared part of me.

 

 

♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥♥

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Monsters

My physical disabilities I’ve come to terms with. I can’t do anything about them that I’m not already doing, and physically I am getting stronger. I am handling the pain surprisingly well (in my opinion) and I am not letting it or any pain meds be the rulers of my life.

My mental illnesses or disabilities (depending on how you look at it) however, I had come to terms with at one or two points in my 44 years, but i can’t say that I am anymore. I tried to deal and handle them on my own for most my life, although honestly, I didn’t do the greatest job. But then, I was always afraid to ever talk to anyone about my suspicions about what was really wrong with me because I feared getting tossed in a loony bin. Besides, until I was 25, it didn’t really matter that much. Not to me…I suppose I ought to say us. Most of my time loss was minimal, I always had flashes of what the other was up to, sort of; except for a few situations where I ‘woke up’ so’s to speak and had to figure out where the hell I was, how I got there and how long I had been gone. Most of the time they were just small bits of my day or evening and I’d find out I did something embarrassingly stupid or uncharacteristically bold and harsh on behalf of someone else. I’m lousy at standing up for myself, but I am fierce when it comes to the people I love; I can’t even figure that…no, I can…Hmm. I might be getting better at this; I hold the people I love at a higher worth value than I hold myself, they are worth standing up for. I am not 100% sure I believe I am worth standing up for considering some of the terrible things that are domino effect results of my mental illnesses. Granted, I have no control when another personality does take over, just as I generally have no memory of what that personality does But that doesn’t change the fact that it is my body, and my loved ones who get hurt; so I take full responsibility for not being strong enough to face everything life throws at me which is what I assume causes me to run away and gives the others an opportunity to take control. My therapist doesn’t agree with this though. She says I’m too hard on myself; that I’ve let all the negative verbal abuse thrown at me throughout my life by other people, especially people who were close to me in some way, brainwash me into believing those negative things and worse, along with the constant chastising voices in my head and the ‘awesome friends’ nobody else can see who love to point out all my mistakes, or remind me over and over and over (you get the picture) again of everything negative anyone and everyone has ever said to me. It’s such a joyous gift…NOT!

It’s the next day now, I’ve opted not to keep track of the days/dates on this one because it tends to distract me. I’m quite distracted by numerous other things on a regular basis, so to purposely add a distraction seems rather unfruitful and therefore a waste of time. I waste enough time already as well. These are things I am trying to change. This morning I was doing really well, feeling good; but I forgot to take my morning meds when the alarm went off. I was only 1 1/2 hours late, but I had gotten up, made coffee, fluffed the clothing in the drier, got them out and onto my bed so I could transfer the load in the washer into the drier, folded the clothing on the bed and put them away and then hung up all the hang up clothes. The ache in my back and shoulders should have been my first clue, but no. My phone dings, Facebook message from my dad-send quick response, little chat ensues, cool. “Answer the phone.” (???) Doodoodoodoodoodoo (Our phone doesn’t “Ring” per-say). We had a very nice 45 minute conversation. We worry about each other because we both deal with depression and upon reconnecting and have discovered we also share a lot of the same physical disabilities as well. When he first found out, he said he felt so Blessed to have someone to talk to who literally understood everything he was going through and feeling, but it broke his heart at the same time knowing it was his daughter, 21 years younger than him and 15-20 years before her time. (This was about 3 years ago, I think). Anyway, (see, easily distracted, even by myself!!) it was nice to hear his voice. We have a complicated history, and he hasn’t been in my life for much of it. I never used to fear my death, only the death of those I love. I’ve always obsessed over death though, now that I think about it; for as long as I can remember…sidetracked again, sorry.

When I first started writing poetry, I was but a child with pain in my heart and soul. I saw and heard things nobody else did. I had a very strong belief in God, Lucifer, Demons, Monsters, Spirits-both good and evil, and Angels especially because one walked with me everyday. Did I write fabulously weird poems about these things? Heck no! I was 12, I wrote about friendship, clouds and dreams, the imagination; really simplistic things. Then puberty hit with its wonderful flood of wacky hormones to mix with the chemical imbalance I already had but no one knew about because they didn’t know about that kind of stuff when I was a kid. That’s when my writing started getting more personal and much more private.

It’s March 10th today. I initially started this post on January 16th, and it was intended to have to do with how I feel like I am a monster because of some of my mental health issues and blah blah. I had been struggling really hard trying to wrap my head around a few things that just weren’t processing through, and being the OCD type of weirdo that I am, naturally , I obsessed over the why of the shit that I simply couldn’t wrap my head around! (Did trying to read that make your head hurt a little? Just a taste of what I’ve been putting myself through). Sounds pretty insane doesn’t it? Yet still they ask, every day…And yes, I know I’m crazy too. I’m told that often as well. Have you stepped out into the world lately? Show me someone who isn’t just a tiny bit crazy and I’ll show you someone with no imagination or passion. In all seriousness though, hopefully not too many are as…hindered as I am, though I know I am not alone. I also know there are many who suffer even more, and it makes me shudder…which sort of brings me back to my point today.

When I first started sharing my poems with the “world”, and subsequently began to share my life, my story; it was in the hopes of not only helping myself therapeutically through my writing, but also with the hopes of connecting and perhaps helping others who might find themselves in a similar situation. Granted my poems are from my point of view, which at times were misled and quite paranoid when “lack of communication” moved in and seemed to take over for several years. I have come to a lot of realizations since beginning this post-possibly why I haven’t finished it yet-thanks to some wise words from a vast variety of sources. Obviously my therapist is one of them and she is truly quite awesome. Above her are the top two which are my Mama and my brother Todd. They have always had my back no matter what, even when they disagreed with my decisions. My mom would lovingly explain why she disagreed, but still stood beside me if I chose to move forward. Todd is as blunt and straight forward as they come.

“This is my opinion about what is going on and what I think you need to do. I love you and I just want you happy, healthy and safe. So there it is and here I am whenever you need me. Just call. I’ll respect your choice because I love you.”

Right there I already have more than a lot of others who suffer from a mental illness that effects their behavior. I’m very aware of the many Blessings I have been given throughout my life. Some of them I think of as rewards for having survived one of the trials or tribulations I am to face throughout my life until I finally complete the primary task I am here for. I don’t look at the world the same way as anyone else and I definitely don’t see it the same way as everyone else either. I’m starting to get sidetracked.  My point, I don’t think I’m a monster anymore, in fact I know I’m not. I have a few mental disorders and sometimes I fall apart…and it can be really bad. But that doesn’t make me a monster. I am doing everything within my capabilities to be the best version of me that I can be. Ha ha, that’s funny. But I really am as far as meds, therapy, PT for the neck and all the follow-ups. (Hey tikka? Have you ever actually explained your diagnosis’? Or does everyone have E.S.P.?) …some of it I know I have here and …who ? I usually recognize the voices that interrupt me so adding them in had/has become second nature, but that wasn’t a familiar voice…?? Maybe…It’s been a long day and my head-it’s doing it’s thing. 🙂

Many of us who deal with some form of mental disability, we have a very negative, warped view of ourselves. Because of a chemical imbalance in our brain in my son’s and my case, we are manically depressive, over-sensitive, we are prone to insomnia, tend to have severe highs and lows. We have symtoms that fall under a variety of mental disorders, but no one specific which makes finding the right meds difficult. I’ve been lost for awhile and almost forgot I had a say in the matter, but not anymore.

I finally found my center and within my center I found my peace. WOW! From within my peace I found my strength and balance. I’m doing much better now. 🙂

Kyla

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Midnight_Whisper_by_PyroDemi

Midnight Whisper by PyroDemi

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Random Thoughts

21 days into the new year of 2015 and so far I’m failing at all my New Year’s resolutions except one, possibly two (depends on how you look at it, to which I’m not inclined to elaborate on at this time). Naturally, the depression is there, as always, interfering with things here and there. Then there’s the having turned into a complete paranoid psycho thanks to all the secrets and lies in ‘life’. I was already crazy, now I’m down right off my rocker (and yes, I really do have a rocking chair)! (01.19.2015)

I know the Lord is watching over me, and Michael continues to assure me that I am strong enough to…“Its soapy pea, it cleans itself!” This is the given reason as to why it’s okay that my son goes pee in the shower and I shouldn’t feel the need to say “Ewe!”  that I was interrupted with… :[ (01.21.2015)

So, starting and finishing a post in the same day isn’t happening either; cross that off the list…kidding. Kind of. 😉 But I am serious about a couple of things regarding my future posts. For one thing, I haven’t been able to write any poetry lately, and after reading the ones I did manage to find inspiration to write I totally understand why. OMG!! I don’t think very highly of myself and I still give other people way too much power over  or of me. No wonder I’m a fricken head case! I look back at everything I’ve written, and with each reading I am flooded with memories of everything that was going on during that time. (That has to be, like, so awesome?!!) It really is. 🙂

I don’t know if I’m okay or not, I don’t anything beyond today. (Ha ha. Don’t give up, it’s only the first month and you’ve come a very long way. 🙂 )  Yeah. God’s plan was never promised to be an easy path, the exact opposite actually; but rewarded ten-fold. As cursed as parts of my life have been, the Blessings make it worth it and that makes me worth it. (Hey, that’s really good. New Favorite quote and it’s actually one of yours! 😀 ) Cool. I have to go for now, things to do. Tomorrow we’ll focus on this particular resolution a bit closer and get this post finished before this month ends. 😉 (01.29.2015)

Hmm, it is now Saturday evening. Yesterday simply got away from me. and today the family was out and about so Dad could pay the youngest son back some borrowed loot. 😉 Foster daughter Kyy has stopped by for a visit while she wait for Real Daddy to get home from work. The legist of my resolution is to start living with the truth I know and leave all the negativity in that drugged up, abusively manipulated, self-destructive fantasy world of lies and make-believe where it belongs. I got better things to do with my time. Gotta go. 🙂 ❤

 

♥ ~ Kyla ~

Can We Get A Recall?!?

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   It’s Monday, July 28th; Logan only had to get through four fricken days of summer school and the rest of the summer was his (or so it was stated. I do have to be honest that I have reservations regarding that claim myself, so I can’t blame Logan for not believing it) to enjoy without hassle. Not even four full days; just from 8:00am – 12:00pm, then the bus ride home. His bus doesn’t even pick him up until 7:37am, right out front of our house. Lucas, his 8 year old little brother has to leave the house by 6:52am in order to run up the street to where our mailboxes are in order to catch his bus by 7:04am and he does!! When the actual ‘child’ shows more maturity and responsibility than the 18 year old self-proclaimed ‘Man-child’, something is seriously fracked up!! It’s time for the man-child to pull his darn head out of his ass, clean all the shit out of it and grow the frack up!! (Ha ha ha!!! That’ll teach you to bitch about one and praise the other in a negative comparative way, won’t it?!! Karma!! You just pulled a-) Yeah, yeah!! I know, I get it! Shut up now!! (noon-ish)

I need to find a better way to time-stamp these things(you need to-) you need to shut the hell up and let me get my thoughts written! (Why? So you can find another ‘so-called-rational’ way to explain how everything wrong in your “loving family” is all your fault and no one else should need to bother with owning up to the mistakes they might have made? When are you going to stop letting yourself be manipulated and played for a fool?) Maybe when you and Renie and any others that enjoy interfering STOP interfering!! (How’s your hand?) It hurts, stop talking now, you’re making me forget what I was planning to write about. Oh yeah, Dip Twit Logan and his mind blowing, brilliant decision making skills…(Hey, your sarcasm is dripping on the keyboard chickadee. Not cool). Logan is 18 and should have graduated class of 2014, but instead he has to repeat his senior year for a variety of reasons; the biggest being a lack of attendance which he blames on various ‘medical/mental’ health reasons. Doorknob absolutely refuses to allow any blood work, but can’t understand why all of us “Authority Figures” in his life question the validity of his claims. So, not only is that my fault in his eyes due to DNA and hereditary “bad gene pool”, but my trials with my own physical and mental health have apparently – well, I don’t really know. I guess I somehow brain-washed him into believing he has already, as a teen, inherited all of my illnesses-not just mental but physical as well. I’ve been told I have some funky hypnotic way with people, but I never imagined it could work in such a way as that! Especially without any actual effort on my part. I guess this time it’s me who doesn’t know my own strength, huh? (Your sarcasm is getting annoying…) Giggidy!!

(08/02/2014) And to think I had actually convinced myself that this one wasn’t going to be one of those that had weeks pass before I got back to it…(forgot you were delusional again?). Obviously…Squirrel!! 

(08/04/2014) If you ever check out the comments, you might find the explanation behind that crazy Squirrel!! That keeps running across my pages. My sister Shawna has to explain it though; she set him loose…;D We watch and critique a great many of things and my goodness but she makes me laugh; that’s my only hint.

(08/05/2014) As the squirrels of brain-cramped show writers continue to test Shawna’s tight-rope walking skills taunting her with her sanity as a prize (she knows she lost that a long time ago! We can’t retrieve sanity!); it’s called venting with humoristic sarcasm you twit! Crap. Lost my train of thought now…it’s a pretty shade of indigo blue floating across my room as it dissipates. Sometimes I really enjoy the askew way my brain tends to perceive and interpret things. Even on my absolute worst-oh yeah! Just leave the fricken motor bike in the middle of the road!! Nice!! Movies teach careless behavior!! Oh, sorry…absolute worst days, I can find something to laugh at. Ooh, Doctor Who is on now, giggidy!! 😀 I’m a total Whovian, so are Logan and Lucas. Clint Likes the 10th Doctor, but the 11th Doctor annoyed him and never really won him over. Perhaps the 12th will catch his fancy-in a non-homophobic sort of way…gotta include shit like that on account of some people taking words the wrong way and act all dumbass-like because they hate themselves or their life or something and feel the need to focus all that confused anger and rage at something that they don’t understand or that makes them feel uncomfortable and then blame their actions on God. Wow, tangent? Good thing I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m crazy and have issues; I think that might have been a dead give-away, tee he he! 🙂 (Did you snap?) Nope. Well, maybe…but that was years ago. This is something different, something ~ new? But its bedtime, so this will have to be continued…by choice for the first time that I can recall.

(08/11/2014) Wow. …I just read my last entry to get an idea of where I was at with what this post is supposed to be about…Shit, double wow, irony! Never mind the recall, I’m definitely not playing for the sane team anymore. But we already knew that, I have embraced my mental illnesses and am in therapy for the issues that require it and all that awesome responsible shit that a…”I” is calling me right now. Seriously, caller ID just says “I” with a number. Weird…that a good, loving Child of God, mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend would do to get healthy after a mental breakdown that nearly destroys everyone. However, I am not the only fricken lunatic in this house. So I guess it’s not a recall, but the correct word is evading me right now. Eluding? Either way, I can’t fricken think of it.

Weird thing, Clint saw the title of this and immediately assumes it’s about our life. “What’s that? You want a recall on the last 17 years?” And I didn’t get it at first ~ screwed up naïve thing in my brain (Brain damage!!) ~ Yeah, no shit! The screen was up on my computer, but the page had been minimized I think, until my foot bumped the mouse. But I might be mistaken because my memory likes to play tricks on me. It’s ever so much fun, truly…NOT!!!! Anyway, I told him no, it was actually in regards to the mental evaluations, considering I apparently have to go through a new one and Logan ~ who actually wants one now that he has been off his meds for over a month (ooh, that sounds fun and dangerous!! Giggidy?) F#!K you!! ~ apparently doesn’t need one because his psychiatrist who sees him every 2-3 months for the past 4-5 years is quite certain of his diagnosis being one of a few he has in mind; but didn’t feel it was necessary to share with myself or his Social Service Mental Health Caseworker…yay.

Logan…I love my son, so fricken much it literally hurts! Laziest, manipulative, hypocritical, ignorant, egotistical, beautiful, vain, insecure, protective, lost little sweet pea. Is this precious miracle our Heavenly Father gave me at a time in my life that is riddled with mixed up memories, not all of them accurate? I could no longer deny that…I was off, and still seeing my childhood imaginary friends that grew up with me might not be a good thing (Hey! I’m pretty sure I resent that!!). Good. Go away, please. Logan is delusional in all the worst ways, and reality is going to kick his ass something terrible. But I don’t think he’s going to learn anything any other way. He needs his ass kicked by some serious reality. So I told him to feel free to move out now, go live with one of these friends whose parents have already told him he could live and freeload off of them while he lays around and does absolutely nothing but expects them to buy him cigarettes and feed him and take care of him and crap. He’s still here.

Hmm, I have once again managed to upset my spouse. I wonder what I did this time. I suppose he might just be annoyed at Logan per usual so that puts me in the dog house too sometimes. You know, on account of everything in the whole fucking world somehow being my fault since any and all universes revolve around me! (Sassy!! Where’d you come from, and who exactly are you? You’re not the little mouse we’re used to. Are you Kyla?) Yup, the one and only ~ with a wee bit of an upgrade. There are people in my life, and this is majorly difficult for me to admit…because I had to accept the truth of it first, which sucked piss balls!! But these are people who are supposed to love me unconditionally; the ones I am supposed to be able to always count on, no matter what. I honestly thought I had that, until reality kicked me in the teeth and showed me the truth. I’m finally remembering all the horrors that one of my alternate personalities tried to protect me from. So yay I guess, lots of answers to some old questions I had already moved passed I thought. But it’s late and definitely passed my proclaimed bedtime, so I will allow this to be the end of this post.

Peace, Love and Blessings to all

 ♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥

New look

New look

I think I’m Rambling Again…

I hate when there are so many voices in my head with so much…and you feel like ~ “Holy shit!!! If everyone doesn’t back off and shut the frack up, nobody gets their say!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (06/21/2014)

I saw my therapist yesterday, which I guess was somewhat helpful, just not quite as much as I had hoped for…which is par for the course, or whatever the heck that stupid saying is. I don’t really give a shit. (06/24/2014)

Well!! Lots of time has passed since I tried working this…Ha ha!! Best honey nut Cheerios commercial ever!!! Grumpy Cat guest starred!! Logan is so going to love that. I haven’t seen it before, sorry ‘bout that. I’m easily sidetracked and humored. If you could understand them, my menagerie of pets would tell you stories…never mind. Don’t want to scare ya all off…heh heh heh (imagine devilish wink & eyebrow quirky thing that Todd does but I can’t {pout, pout}). 😉

Yeah…my mind is racing with so many things I wanted to type and probably would be done by now if I was one of those 100 wpm typist people. Unfortunately, I am not one of those 100 wpm typist people, I am a hunt and pecker typist person (giggle). J Yes, there is a story there; probably one of only a handful of non-unpleasant memories that Kai has shared with me from her/our marriage to Wade. Ahh yes, and there again, another story untold. No wonder I can’t ever get my stories finished…damned incessant need to explain how and where everything connects. I haven’t quite figured out if I do it because I’m actually remembering something new and am trying to work it out for myself at the exact time that some poor friend, family member, (critter as the case sometimes is) asks about something and they get stuck listening to my rambles; or if I’m just hoping someone will tell me I’m at least going in the right direction.

Shit!! I can’t even get through one paragraph without changing the subject at least once if not more. I wonder if this-son of a bitch!! I got distracted and now I don’t remember what I was writing! I fricken hate when I do that!! Ha ha!! I remembered!! I was starting to say I wonder if this could be a med change thing, considering I’m self-adjusting my dosages again. I know there are certain ones that I need, like for the nerve damage and shit, but some of the others I would like to try to deal with using herbal remedies or something that don’t affect my already damaged and deteriorating memory. Considering I’m getting migraines again despite the Topamax, I’m weaning myself off of that one as well as the Zoloft. I’ve already weaned myself off all the pain meds but two, and I’ve cut those dosages in half by now slowly rebuilding my pain tolerance. Some days I feel very proud of myself for the success I think I am achieving; other days the pain is somewhat overwhelming and I remember that I truly am insane and probably shouldn’t be screwing around with my meds without talking to my doctors since I truly have no idea if I might be totally fucking myself which inadvertently hurts the people I love the most…dilemma, sucky with no giggidy. 🙂

I’m going to jump back to my visit with my therapist for a moment…actually, for me, it’s both my regular doctor and my therapist while for my son it’s only when he goes to see his psychiatrist. Anyway, at every visit for me, because I suffer from severe manic depression episodes I have to fill out this form/questionnaire regarding my current mental state of depression over the last 2 weeks. (07/09/2014)

  Ooh! Mind frack!! Damn it!! F@!k a duck!!!! Interruptions make me forget people!! Quit fricken interrupting me when I’m trying to type!!! And it was funny stuff today (whine, whine with serious lower lip in the pout, seriously)! Ha ha, yay! Another interruption…Logan needs my attention while he broods…today is a bad day memory wise which in my book is one of the worst…humph, pissed Logan off so he’s gone now. Let me see if I can figure out where I was and where/how I want to pick things back up…well the mind frack had something to do with something I had been watching, Penny Dreadful I believe. It’s on Showtime for those who don’t know, Season 1 was only 8 episodes-I’m rather disappointed by that personally. But I don’t recall my original- SQUIRREL!! So I’m reading along and marking my answers on my form-damn it! Fricken dog won’t stop whining outside my bedroom door! No privacy any-fricken-where!-when I get to this question about halfway through regarding suicidal planning…(Ominous music is heard along with an ever-so-cliché “Dum, dum, dum, dummm!)…during the past two weeks, and I get a little stuck. So I put a question mark by it and went on with the rest of the form. (Now that I stop for a moment to ponder ~ I ponder about many, many things; since they make my head hurt, it would probably make a normal persons’ head explode ~ I’d be willing to bet that my medical records are ‘riddled’ with ‘???’ question marks on most of the papers I’ve ever had to fill out, heh heh 😀 ). As I’m finishing up the forms, Diana comes out and calls me back. We exchange our usual hallway banter as we walk to her office (which is actually a long fricken walk, btw) and…long story short (Ooh, it that possible?) she gets to my question mark and asks what’s up? (07/10/2014)

Blah blah blahbidy blah, blah blah! Yeah, no writing today either I guess. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. (07/12/2014)

 I am seriously annoyed…I’m less annoyed now, Shawna gave me chuckles. 😀 Then my awesome friend and neighbor Vanessa took me to my Physical Therapy apt. I think a demon possessed my friend, twice today; while driving to and from. Had my eyes been closed the way they usually are when in a vehicle trying not to have panic attack, I’d have sworn I was riding with my big brother, Todd…I have to go check the door-dog and bird are both wiggin’ out…(07/22/2014)

 I used to think squirrels were all just your plain ordinary brown, period, no exception. I was very mistaken (Plausible proof of female gender ~ admission of flaw: Factoid ;)). We have both a solid black and a pure white albino squirrel that both like to grace our neighborhoods every winter. There is this really kind, older guy, Samuel, who lives down the road on our circle that got a few really good pics one year and wrote this really cool story about the squirrels. I think he originally started with a story about the albino one first, and then followed it with a second with the two of them. Just a few neat stories for the kids (us big ones included) in his spare time. We all got a copy and they were wonderful!!! Has absolutely nothing to do with the “SQUIRRELs!!” that keep popping up in this post.

What I revealed to my therapist regarding the suicidal planning was that I have been trying to figure out if there is any way to kill off one or two (maybe three) of my alter-personalities without killing myself in the process, so I wasn’t entirely sure if that qualified as a yes or no on the questionnaire. But a lot of things have transpired since that appointment, and I’m looking at things from a much clearer point of view these days. Working on some picture art; let’s see if anything else opens up in the process.

Peace and love to all. With Faith, we can achieve everything!! (07/24/2014)

♥ ~ Kyla ~

Our Funky Abode

First order of business; if you have not read the book ‘Dreamcatcher’ by Stephen King, do so. Secondly, and this is crucially important, Secondly-check out the movie ‘Dreamcatcher’ based on the novel by Stephen King. (Keep in mind that libraries have audio versions of the book for folks that are super busy or maybe a tad too lazy to actually read the book. I found audio books made rush hour traffic a joy rather than a pain in the ass my last few years of work; and now they are great for working around the house. Kids catch themselves paying attention to the stories despite themselves, lol). 😉 I know it would be easier to just watch the movie and think you know the story, but those of you out there whom are avid readers and have had a favorite novel put to film know, the movies always cut shit out. Sometimes it’s not too awful, but sometimes it’s so bad you just want to bitch slap everybody involved, including the author for allowing the hatchet job (I felt that way about a few of King’s books that became movies-The Tommyknocker’s and Needful Things, both phenomenal books are among the worst movies). But I suppose the movie would be fine for the purpose of ‘a basic general concept’ of the brain filing references I’ll be making; and this is all assuming, naturally, that you get confused and feel you need the reference. If not, well then, never mind; that’s just one of my OCD issues. 😉

The programs on television these days that have somehow qualified as entertainment…I’m utterly stupefied sometimes. We’re all morons so desensitized to all the shit we should be outraged by, and outraged by shit that is mostly bullshit, misleading propaganda. I don’t think propaganda is the correct word…damn! I hate that!! Hopefully you get my meaning cuz the ‘better’ word isn’t coming to mind right now and if I continue to think (obsess) about it, it never will. (I’m learning, ha ha! 😀 ) (06/08/2014)

I really thought I could get this whole thing done and posted yesterday! I might be learning, but I’m not particularly thrilled with the speed. (06/09/2014)

I might actually get back to my initial point of this post at some time, but it won’t be right now. Right now I’m irritated so we’re gonna go off on a different tangent. Actually, a few different tangents just because I can and I’m feeling bitchy! I will state in advance for those egos that get confused and think everything they read is directed specifically at them that this is an in general type of rant not intended toward ALL men, women, teenagers, etc. So try not to get your undies in a bunch please and thank you.

I would like to know why it is such a difficult and death=defying ordeal for a man to step up, admit or acknowledge that life is hard and full of unexpected curve-balls that just plain fucking suck and make you depressed?! Seriously, is that so fucking hard??!!! Admittedly, my estrogen levels seem low as I seem to be trying to “fix-broken-emotions”, which is usually a Y chromosome mistake, so perhaps that’s what this is. Bizarro poetic karma-Menopause vs. Manopause cosmically timed at the same junction in life for the entertainment of The Watcher’s to see whom will be victorious within the family. I have firmly decided to remove myself from the equation as several hours have passed since my flare of irritation. However. The tale that was begun still burns in our…designated rooms (part of our abode), therefore it still burns within the whole of our mind and so we still want to write it. If nothing else, it might provide a chuckle or two, and it keeps me distracted (which seems to be a very important thing right now…I think my irritation is returning…I don’t care much for that.)  😦  (06/10/2014)

“…And a swing, batter, batter and a-a-a-a miss!!” I don’t remember the things I wanted to share. I got interrupted by something and by the time I was able to write Clint was home. I don’t write when he gets home, I’ve developed an issue that I haven’t figured out how to surpass yet. I have a lot of severely annoying issues that I can’t seem to figure out how to surpass. I believe I can say with a decent amount of confidence that Feelings like these are shared by a vast number of folks all over the world which I find saddening; but I also find it comforting. I know I am not alone in my suffering, and when I pray for strength, comfort, guidance, etc.; I know God hears my heart and blesses the world with his Love, Compassion, or whatever it is they need. This helps me not allow myself to indulge in a wasteful skinny dip in a pool of self-pity. That never bears any worthy fruit.

Good grief I make my own head hurt, too much fucking noise!!! ‘Our Funky Abode’ isn’t working apparently, cuz if it were…(was?)…then everything would not be so damn loud! We built this awesome mansion type place-alrighty then…apparently Satan has moved in, giggidy!!-with separate rooms for all of us. Its design on the inside is inspired by the T.A.R.D.I.S., Warehouse 13 and my slightly more glorified version of Sanctuary’s castle. It is supposed to be organized, however, it appears we have many, many bugs to work out….  

Good thing I started seeing my therapist again, I so suck at trying to handle this shit by myself. Good lesson though-Mental Illness – Trained Professional = FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Repair) me. (06.11/2014)

 

 

Peace, love and blessings

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥ ♥ ♥

sanctuary

And it only took, like, 2 months!?

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Day 3

 

So, it’s Saturday in the real world. I was feeling happy and thought I could get quite a bit of my tale told, but as it turns out, I am my usual sensitive self and easily wounded by dickish behavior. So instead I think I will lose myself in the words of other creative minds and souls, and then later return to try telling that tale of my own.

 

So this is a clarity…if I understand this clearly, this new bit “Welcome to My Insanity” is an attempt to analyze why the depression that hit in December was the ass kicking ordeal that it turned out to be as well as an attempt to answer my mates’ question regarding why I am the way I am. These are not simple answers, obviously. When we met back in August 1996, I didn’t know for certain I was schizophrenic, only that I suffered multiple personalities. But I kept that to myself; most people I had trusted with it thus far hadn’t reacted very well. And I wasn’t really sure myself anyway back then. Seriously, with the post-partum that I didn’t even realize I was going through, I was already screwed, so why add, ya know? But there are reasons we are travelling through history, and it is for the HISTORY of it all. Generally, when it comes to my history or my past, what I remember, there isn’t a great deal of it.  I guess I would actually have to sit down with my therapist to find out all my diagnoses. Same with my doctors, I stopped paying attention after the hypokalemia. The blackouts bother me though, what am I doing during that time? Who am I kidding?!

 

It’s been weeks since I started that entry above, which naturally got interrupted and therefore never completed. So much shit has been going on that I have wanted to write about but haven’t been able to for this reason and that. But the main reason is the most annoying; when the words are in my head and perfect, I can’t do to where I am or what I’m doing and by the time I am able to sit down and put those words to paper/type, they’re gone! This memory thing is really starting to fucking piss me off!! It’s interfering with some major aspects of my life and I can’t take it anymore!!

Now, the rational part of my mind (amazed it’s even functioning anymore! :{ ) realizes low potassium affects memory. However, the irrational parts of my brain are researching the cocktail of meds I’m on trying to figure out what pain I can live with so I can get off the meds that can cause memory loss!! I think I can deal with the migraines again, I did for 37 years before the Topamax; we’ve already cut the blood pressure meds down quite a bit along with all but the one pain med. Hopefully that will help. Or it could make things worse I suppose since I’ve started getting the migraines again…isn’t stress fun??! :]

 

WOW!!!! I seriously need to proofread and edit these things before I post them! I went back and reread my first 2 posts to figure out where I left off and realized my last post…actually both of the under this ‘Insanity’ category are so full of holes that they don’t actually tell anything!! I’m a little surprised I didn’t get a crap load of questions about that, lol. At least now I have an inkling of where I should try to start, that’s something.

 

Let’s fill in some of those major holes we found in the beginning of this tale-telling, shall we? Hmm…I’ve been staring at the page for about a half hour now, grateful for the distraction of making a grilled cheese for my 7 year old as I am at a loss for the words with which to get this going. Perhaps filling in the holes right at this time is not the direction to start from? So much noise in my head and it’s all focused and utterly obsessing over the chaos that is currently going on with my life. I’m guessing that I should just start there and give a bit of the necessary history when and where it is required. Yeah, I think that’s the right approach here, so that’s what we’ll do; good plan!

  

 So, today is Monday and yesterday was Father’s Day. Right now at this very moment my 7-year-old (Devlin) is next to me playing on his kindle not really knowing what is going on with everyone else, but knowing something isn’t quite right. In the other room my 17-year-old (Ray)…

Dammit!!!! I got interrupted, like I always am, and wasn’t able to get back this on Monday. It is now Wednesday and I can’t remember exactly what I was writing. I really get annoyed by that, this…the whole memory issue shit that I’m plagued with! Grrr!

Ha ha!! Now it’s Friday and I have come to several interesting realizations that could make this summer rather…well, challenging. Among the first of these realizations is simple; having the kids out of school and home all day makes it nearly impossible to get anything done on the schedule I originally had set. Another regarding the kids being home is that my children are beautifully bazaar and I am blessed/cursed and fortunate mom; they fight over me daily! And would you like to know what is the craziest of all? It’s the 7-year-old that is the more reasonable about sharing; he just wants to be with us and watch tv. The 17-year-old gets all uptight and has to have me all to himself or he’ll return to his room and pout!! And it’s summer, the sun is out, nice little breeze action going on; why would they want to stay cooped up in the AC lacking house with me anyway?!!? I just don’t get it!! Yet I love that they want to be with me. 😀 I just wish Raynman would embrace the love he has over the negative feelings he has for his younger brother. He has to know how much it kills me. 😦

It is Saturday now and I’ve decided to give up. There’s enough stuff in the here and now to keep me busy, so I guess I’ll just focus on that for now, and if the opportunity and memory allow for a reverie, maybe this part of the tale will come up again. Today I socialized with the family down the road a bit at the neighbors for a small neighborhood gathering. It was a fairly nice afternoon until the cottonwood swept across the yards and attacked us. But once again my openness about everything ended up embarrassing Cliff (apparently did the same thing last year; and he wonders why I don’t like to go!) which I didn’t realize and I feel like a total wench. With the memory issues I have, I don’t do secrets because I can’t remember anything! So I won’t know who to keep it from or even whose secret it was to begin with. Just makes my paranoia a whole lot worse and I don’t need that! Whoops, I’m rambling a bit, aren’t I? Sorry about that. I want to get this posted before I get interrupted again, so I’ll say ado for now…

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2013-04-01