My Recent Hiatus

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Image courtesy of Google Images

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Such excitement…if you can call almost dying again exciting.

I think I was stuck in some weird post-trauma, semi-functional state of shock throughout the month of April, so the full gravity of everything is just now finally starting to really hit me. It has really made me take a seriously close look at my life and how truly up it is messed.

 

(You know that sentence sounds retarded, right?)

 

I do, but the spelling/grammar auto correct changed it saying it was supposed to be like that. Lol, my computer is mentally disable too! No wonder we fight so much!!

Anyway, this tale starts back on March 30th, my eldest son Logan’s 19th birthday. At least the drama does. In a way it began a few months before that, we just didn’t know it. I had been dealing with depression, which is normal. I had been fighting a cold that I couldn’t seem to get over completely, so I felt drained and tired regularly and would once in a while have a cough. This too is somewhat normal. Our youngest, Lucas turned 9 on February 16th. We had his party at Skate Ville and he seemed to have a great time. Shortly after he came down with a cold that he had a hard time getting over. He would get better, then he’d start running a fever and coughing terribly. He missed most of the week of school prior to the week of March 30th, which for him was the beginning of his Spring Break.

So now we’re caught up. March 26th we took Lucas to the doctor’s, got him checked for strep (It was going around his class and his group of friends. I was worried about catching it, but my throat never hurt) but the tests came back negative. The doctor could only tell me he had a really bad chest cold, but didn’t feel it required any antibiotics (He still has that damn cough and now he keeps getting nose bleeds, so we’re getting some tests done). Doctors tend to annoy me at times, despite the fact that I know and credit them for their assistance in saving my life several times.

But enough of all that, it’s Monday, March 30th; first day of spring break and Logan’s 19th birthday.

 

Its (spell check doesn’t proper grammar like it is = it’s) August now; I wrote the above at the beginning of June, and then got distracted by my life and now it’s the middle of August. But then, that’s how I roll, lol. You know you have far surpassed merely being broken when you go from being SNAFUed to full on FUBARed. (I do so enjoy that, the confused looks on non-military peoples’ faces when you say that! Especially the younger generations like our son’s. Priceless!!)  

 

We’ve rolled again and now it’s September, school has already started for Lucas-today having been day three. He is still happy about it and being in the fourth grade. He scored above the whole state on his assessment in English, but still struggles in math barely hitting average. Logan and I have a meeting next Monday with his IEP team to get his bus schedule and all that fun crap and then he is starting back next Wednesday. I am very proud of him because he doesn’t function well in the morning with his insomnia, and has not yet found a way to master it in a way that benefits his best functionality. Perhaps I was able to, actually Todd & I both, because of the horrors we endured as children, found a way to compartmentalize our sleeping and non-sleeping and ways to function on little sleep while quite young?

 

(You’ve become wishy-washy!! Why are you not ripping into that A-hole on Google+?!! He doesn’t know us or our situation! Why aren’t you giving him total hell?!!)

 

Why? So I can waste more time on some dumbass who trolls websites talking to a bunch of women thinking he’s all suave and smooth then gets all butt hurt just because I’m not interested in whatever the hell he thinks he’s offering? Nah, I’d rather try to remember the awesome thought that led to the pink cotton candy clouds we had the other day while in the bathroom.

 

(Best thoughts seem to be thought while in there, and always forgotten by the time we get to paper, so-to-speak).

 

Yeah, I’ve noticed that too, lol. And we might not have forgotten it all if we hadn’t been interrupted and mocked by one who simply can’t comprehend the splendor of the world through the eyes of a mind that is not crippled by the simplistic schematics of the world as seen by most whose eyes are blind to the wonders of all that God has given us if we simply allow ourselves to see everything there is to see and be awed by it. At any rate, we’re nearing the end of September now, Logan made it to school twice and is now waffling between whether or not to continue or get a job as well as staying with Lilly or giving his ex-girlfriend Savannah another go. Neither of these are going over well with Clint, so Hell has now found an open gateway to Earth via my house-hold and every day is a brand new type of never-ending war-zone. Can we say giggidy?

 

(You’ve been staring at this page for a couple of hours now and the first words being typed are by me. What’s wrong with this picture??)

 

My head hurts and you, along with a multitude of others won’t shut the hell up! These factors combined with the negative energy I’m rather unsuccessfully battling against are all contributing to a slight difficulty in finding just the right words with which I would have liked to have begun my dialogue.

 

(Let me guess, that was one of those; “Ask me a stupid question, get a stupid answer” kind of things?)

 

You’re quick. Now piss off, thank you kindly.

So we’re six days into November now. I’m actually feeling rather foolish having fallen once again for false hope given. The worst part is that because I fell for it, and it hurts; that would surmise that I still give a shit…I don’t want to give a shit anymore. I’ve come to the conclusion that the myriad of emotion attached to giving a shit is not worth it. On the plus side, lesson learned and will definitely not be made again. Always nice when something good can be gained, right?

 

(And you truly believe you can control your ability to not give a shit? Seriously and honestly?)

 

You’re not helping…I am capable of having a semblance of control over what I give a shit about when I really want to as long as you and certain other “people” don’t interfere, so stay out of it and piss the frack off!!!!

Damned voices in my head never seem to know when to keep their 2 cents to themselves for once! Sometimes, I really would just like some peace & quite. Give me a minute to breathe and I can then start the compartmentalizing, you know?

 

Happy New Year’s Eve! Yippy. So obviously much time has passed, life is what it is, which at this very moment is not everything I had hoped. I am not overly sad to see 2015 go away; however, I am not particularly optimistic towards 2016 being any better either…It’s all rather disappointing really. SSDY, lol.

I never seem to get any one thing told when I want to; all these short little paragraphs from random moments throughout the passing months when I hope I will finish the last tale so I can tell the new one. But I type slow, get distracted easily, lose time more often than I realized until I started paying attention! I find that a smidge on the maybe I should be concerned(?) side, but it is what it is, you know?

What we now refer to as “The Spring Break 2015 Deal” was my hospitalization from Logan’s birthday on March 30th until Easter Sunday on April 4th when I finally got to go home with a PICC line attached to my arm for the next 2 months for daily antibiotics followed by another 2-3 months of another 2 oral antibiotics after that.

PICC Line1  . . PICC Line2

Can we say “Oh joy to us who survived death once more!”?? From what I was told by the ‘witnesses’ of the occurrences that I don’t recall (not exactly conscious), I made quite the impression on the first day alone and continued to awe my hospital care team in the ICU until I awoke from my “coma” late Wednesday afternoon. Or was it Thursday…still a bit foggy on that, lol.

I’ve been told I flat lined a few times, 5 minutes being the longest being my boys were removed from the room. Apparently I went all She-Hulk and tore all the tubes out of my throat and neck. It took 6 orderlies to get me restrained and back on the gurney so they could get tubes back in before my pipes(?) swelled close. After two weeks of washing, I still couldn’t get the green out of my hair, so I colored it colors of my choosing. 😀

Hair first try

So that’s the story that has taken me almost a year to write. It’s January 21, 2016 and I’m not the same person since that trial; I’m off. I don’t know all the facts from Monday morning to whenever I woke up, but I know I almost didn’t win that battle and everything seems different now. I do have some hella wicked scars, though!

April 5th 2015. . .Scar

Logan is super jealous; did I mention the insanity can be passed on? I failed him in so many ways despite my over-protectiveness. Is that what’s going to happen with Lucas? He is so bright; his light fills this entire home! But what happen to the light within the rest of us? No, I am not the same person I was before; and that really scares the hell out of me…

I know my flaws, I know my mistakes and I know greatest weaknesses. I can’t change events that are done and past; I won’t keep having them used like weapons against me. I’ve paid my penance and God knows how hard I’ve tried; words and actions don’t mean what they should and nobody gave me the cypher!

On the plus side, I’ve been working hard with my vocal chords and discovered Smule’s Sing! App so will occasionally post a duet here and there. I hope you all enjoy this newly shared part of me.

 

 

♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥♥

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Monsters

My physical disabilities I’ve come to terms with. I can’t do anything about them that I’m not already doing, and physically I am getting stronger. I am handling the pain surprisingly well (in my opinion) and I am not letting it or any pain meds be the rulers of my life.

My mental illnesses or disabilities (depending on how you look at it) however, I had come to terms with at one or two points in my 44 years, but i can’t say that I am anymore. I tried to deal and handle them on my own for most my life, although honestly, I didn’t do the greatest job. But then, I was always afraid to ever talk to anyone about my suspicions about what was really wrong with me because I feared getting tossed in a loony bin. Besides, until I was 25, it didn’t really matter that much. Not to me…I suppose I ought to say us. Most of my time loss was minimal, I always had flashes of what the other was up to, sort of; except for a few situations where I ‘woke up’ so’s to speak and had to figure out where the hell I was, how I got there and how long I had been gone. Most of the time they were just small bits of my day or evening and I’d find out I did something embarrassingly stupid or uncharacteristically bold and harsh on behalf of someone else. I’m lousy at standing up for myself, but I am fierce when it comes to the people I love; I can’t even figure that…no, I can…Hmm. I might be getting better at this; I hold the people I love at a higher worth value than I hold myself, they are worth standing up for. I am not 100% sure I believe I am worth standing up for considering some of the terrible things that are domino effect results of my mental illnesses. Granted, I have no control when another personality does take over, just as I generally have no memory of what that personality does But that doesn’t change the fact that it is my body, and my loved ones who get hurt; so I take full responsibility for not being strong enough to face everything life throws at me which is what I assume causes me to run away and gives the others an opportunity to take control. My therapist doesn’t agree with this though. She says I’m too hard on myself; that I’ve let all the negative verbal abuse thrown at me throughout my life by other people, especially people who were close to me in some way, brainwash me into believing those negative things and worse, along with the constant chastising voices in my head and the ‘awesome friends’ nobody else can see who love to point out all my mistakes, or remind me over and over and over (you get the picture) again of everything negative anyone and everyone has ever said to me. It’s such a joyous gift…NOT!

It’s the next day now, I’ve opted not to keep track of the days/dates on this one because it tends to distract me. I’m quite distracted by numerous other things on a regular basis, so to purposely add a distraction seems rather unfruitful and therefore a waste of time. I waste enough time already as well. These are things I am trying to change. This morning I was doing really well, feeling good; but I forgot to take my morning meds when the alarm went off. I was only 1 1/2 hours late, but I had gotten up, made coffee, fluffed the clothing in the drier, got them out and onto my bed so I could transfer the load in the washer into the drier, folded the clothing on the bed and put them away and then hung up all the hang up clothes. The ache in my back and shoulders should have been my first clue, but no. My phone dings, Facebook message from my dad-send quick response, little chat ensues, cool. “Answer the phone.” (???) Doodoodoodoodoodoo (Our phone doesn’t “Ring” per-say). We had a very nice 45 minute conversation. We worry about each other because we both deal with depression and upon reconnecting and have discovered we also share a lot of the same physical disabilities as well. When he first found out, he said he felt so Blessed to have someone to talk to who literally understood everything he was going through and feeling, but it broke his heart at the same time knowing it was his daughter, 21 years younger than him and 15-20 years before her time. (This was about 3 years ago, I think). Anyway, (see, easily distracted, even by myself!!) it was nice to hear his voice. We have a complicated history, and he hasn’t been in my life for much of it. I never used to fear my death, only the death of those I love. I’ve always obsessed over death though, now that I think about it; for as long as I can remember…sidetracked again, sorry.

When I first started writing poetry, I was but a child with pain in my heart and soul. I saw and heard things nobody else did. I had a very strong belief in God, Lucifer, Demons, Monsters, Spirits-both good and evil, and Angels especially because one walked with me everyday. Did I write fabulously weird poems about these things? Heck no! I was 12, I wrote about friendship, clouds and dreams, the imagination; really simplistic things. Then puberty hit with its wonderful flood of wacky hormones to mix with the chemical imbalance I already had but no one knew about because they didn’t know about that kind of stuff when I was a kid. That’s when my writing started getting more personal and much more private.

It’s March 10th today. I initially started this post on January 16th, and it was intended to have to do with how I feel like I am a monster because of some of my mental health issues and blah blah. I had been struggling really hard trying to wrap my head around a few things that just weren’t processing through, and being the OCD type of weirdo that I am, naturally , I obsessed over the why of the shit that I simply couldn’t wrap my head around! (Did trying to read that make your head hurt a little? Just a taste of what I’ve been putting myself through). Sounds pretty insane doesn’t it? Yet still they ask, every day…And yes, I know I’m crazy too. I’m told that often as well. Have you stepped out into the world lately? Show me someone who isn’t just a tiny bit crazy and I’ll show you someone with no imagination or passion. In all seriousness though, hopefully not too many are as…hindered as I am, though I know I am not alone. I also know there are many who suffer even more, and it makes me shudder…which sort of brings me back to my point today.

When I first started sharing my poems with the “world”, and subsequently began to share my life, my story; it was in the hopes of not only helping myself therapeutically through my writing, but also with the hopes of connecting and perhaps helping others who might find themselves in a similar situation. Granted my poems are from my point of view, which at times were misled and quite paranoid when “lack of communication” moved in and seemed to take over for several years. I have come to a lot of realizations since beginning this post-possibly why I haven’t finished it yet-thanks to some wise words from a vast variety of sources. Obviously my therapist is one of them and she is truly quite awesome. Above her are the top two which are my Mama and my brother Todd. They have always had my back no matter what, even when they disagreed with my decisions. My mom would lovingly explain why she disagreed, but still stood beside me if I chose to move forward. Todd is as blunt and straight forward as they come.

“This is my opinion about what is going on and what I think you need to do. I love you and I just want you happy, healthy and safe. So there it is and here I am whenever you need me. Just call. I’ll respect your choice because I love you.”

Right there I already have more than a lot of others who suffer from a mental illness that effects their behavior. I’m very aware of the many Blessings I have been given throughout my life. Some of them I think of as rewards for having survived one of the trials or tribulations I am to face throughout my life until I finally complete the primary task I am here for. I don’t look at the world the same way as anyone else and I definitely don’t see it the same way as everyone else either. I’m starting to get sidetracked.  My point, I don’t think I’m a monster anymore, in fact I know I’m not. I have a few mental disorders and sometimes I fall apart…and it can be really bad. But that doesn’t make me a monster. I am doing everything within my capabilities to be the best version of me that I can be. Ha ha, that’s funny. But I really am as far as meds, therapy, PT for the neck and all the follow-ups. (Hey tikka? Have you ever actually explained your diagnosis’? Or does everyone have E.S.P.?) …some of it I know I have here and …who ? I usually recognize the voices that interrupt me so adding them in had/has become second nature, but that wasn’t a familiar voice…?? Maybe…It’s been a long day and my head-it’s doing it’s thing. 🙂

Many of us who deal with some form of mental disability, we have a very negative, warped view of ourselves. Because of a chemical imbalance in our brain in my son’s and my case, we are manically depressive, over-sensitive, we are prone to insomnia, tend to have severe highs and lows. We have symtoms that fall under a variety of mental disorders, but no one specific which makes finding the right meds difficult. I’ve been lost for awhile and almost forgot I had a say in the matter, but not anymore.

I finally found my center and within my center I found my peace. WOW! From within my peace I found my strength and balance. I’m doing much better now. 🙂

Kyla

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Midnight_Whisper_by_PyroDemi

Midnight Whisper by PyroDemi

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Random Thoughts

21 days into the new year of 2015 and so far I’m failing at all my New Year’s resolutions except one, possibly two (depends on how you look at it, to which I’m not inclined to elaborate on at this time). Naturally, the depression is there, as always, interfering with things here and there. Then there’s the having turned into a complete paranoid psycho thanks to all the secrets and lies in ‘life’. I was already crazy, now I’m down right off my rocker (and yes, I really do have a rocking chair)! (01.19.2015)

I know the Lord is watching over me, and Michael continues to assure me that I am strong enough to…“Its soapy pea, it cleans itself!” This is the given reason as to why it’s okay that my son goes pee in the shower and I shouldn’t feel the need to say “Ewe!”  that I was interrupted with… :[ (01.21.2015)

So, starting and finishing a post in the same day isn’t happening either; cross that off the list…kidding. Kind of. 😉 But I am serious about a couple of things regarding my future posts. For one thing, I haven’t been able to write any poetry lately, and after reading the ones I did manage to find inspiration to write I totally understand why. OMG!! I don’t think very highly of myself and I still give other people way too much power over  or of me. No wonder I’m a fricken head case! I look back at everything I’ve written, and with each reading I am flooded with memories of everything that was going on during that time. (That has to be, like, so awesome?!!) It really is. 🙂

I don’t know if I’m okay or not, I don’t anything beyond today. (Ha ha. Don’t give up, it’s only the first month and you’ve come a very long way. 🙂 )  Yeah. God’s plan was never promised to be an easy path, the exact opposite actually; but rewarded ten-fold. As cursed as parts of my life have been, the Blessings make it worth it and that makes me worth it. (Hey, that’s really good. New Favorite quote and it’s actually one of yours! 😀 ) Cool. I have to go for now, things to do. Tomorrow we’ll focus on this particular resolution a bit closer and get this post finished before this month ends. 😉 (01.29.2015)

Hmm, it is now Saturday evening. Yesterday simply got away from me. and today the family was out and about so Dad could pay the youngest son back some borrowed loot. 😉 Foster daughter Kyy has stopped by for a visit while she wait for Real Daddy to get home from work. The legist of my resolution is to start living with the truth I know and leave all the negativity in that drugged up, abusively manipulated, self-destructive fantasy world of lies and make-believe where it belongs. I got better things to do with my time. Gotta go. 🙂 ❤

 

♥ ~ Kyla ~

The Unforgivable ~ Confessions

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Well, this one is really hard. Depression is an evil, tricky little bastard. For some of the lucky ones, it is merely a symptom that can be treated and conquered with some therapy and in a few cases short-term use of antidepressants. I really wish I was one of those cases, but I’m not that person. My purpose, and apparently my ability to help others is directly connected to my life of suffering. I finally figured out and understood that a few years ago; after I finally embraced my D.I.D./schizophrenia and came forward to my loved ones about it. After that, my depression was so bad, I let them put me on meds; that’s when the real battle began, but I didn’t know exactly what I was fighting for and instead I screwed everything up, destroying my family. The hardest part of all of this chaos is the Swiss cheese memory I have developed over the past several years. I had convinced myself that it was all connected to the absolute mental breakdown I thought happened in 2009, the summer everything broke. I now know that the breakdown actually happened somewhere around the end of 2006 and the beginning of 2007; and mentally I just ran away. (08/13/2014 9:32am)

Guess what? Squirrel!! Wow, lots going on, so many possible directions right this moment; whatever shall I choose? Easy, pick the cutest!! 😀 Doodlebug, our 7-yr-old Pomeranian with a slightly Chihuahua-ish looking face apparently shares a few of my delusions. While residing in this home, we have lost 3 beloved feline family members. I have the ashes of the first in a box that still remain on a shelf on my old desk, and I still miss her dearly. It has been at least 10 years now since she died in my arms, but I still feel her presence. Dammit!!! Squirrel!! (08/13/2014 3:48pm)

Heh heh heh heh heh! I think it’s Saturday now. I’m at my Sister Shawna’s for an impromptu 3 day & night visit. It’s supposed to be a vacation of sorts; a chance for me to re-acquaint myself with the concept of relaxing at least. I am having a few minor difficulties with all aspects of my treatments that have a “Patient Must Relax” requirement in any of the recovery ‘steps’. I don’t seem to remember very well how to “completely relax’ every muscle completely. And the chitlins have arrived with the food we must divide… (08/16/2014)

 Wow, fast weekend. I’m back home now, had PT this morning which turned out so much better than anticipated, let me tell you!! Wait a sec…what have I filled you in on thus far? BRB…huh. Looks like I’ve told you a little of some random shit, and a whole lot of nothing else! Peachy! So how do I quickly sum up everything I remember wanting to put in this post quickly because I now have 4-5 other things I want to write about? (Wtf? That almost never happens. What’s up with you?) I got things to say and other things to figure out. On top of that, I’ve got shit to prove! (That’s our girl!) LMFAOAM~{AM=At Myself} And that is one of the many vast ways in which you are truly delusional and oh, so very wrong! I am not “your girl”. It is Renie right now, is it not? Kai and I are now joined or whatever; I don’t see her in the group bitch fests, mirrors or even in the meditation sessions anymore. It’s exquisite!! Ouch!!! I am not repeating that even if it is YOU saying it. You are so far off base it’s like the worst joke ever that the local moron thinks is hilarious, so he keeps telling EVERYONE he fricken meets!! And even though the tale and punch are rather rude and borderline crude, no one will explain to him that he is not funny, but in fact quite offensive though the entire town/village/community are all aware of the fact that THAT is truly all that is required.

  • The courage to reach out and attempt to communicate ~ Huge step 1.
  • The courage and strength to shut up and not just listen, but actually HEAR everything being confessed/admitted/shared/revealed; whatever the case may be, it is always a “takes-two-to-Tango” sort of thing ~ Major Huge step 2.
  • You have to be willing to admit, face, defeat and forgive everything that has become an obstacle to the true happiness you and your family deserve. Both sides, not just one; and in some cases, 3-4 down the road as we assess the damage our current negative behavior has affected them both ~ Major Huge step 3.

 

(08/19/2014) Okay, angry tangent yesterday which apparently got interrupted, naturally. Perhaps now I can get back to the point of this post. I’m pretty sure my own mind is adding to the diversions due to the difficulty of my guilt in everything that’s totally screwed, but I do not intend to let that stop me. I keep telling Logan if he expects respect and to be treated like an adult just because he is 18, then he needs to grow up and behave like an adult 18-yr-old and earn what he desires. Well, I recognize where that advice applies to myself as well, so I’m taking it.

The annoyingly difficult part (different from the hardest part of all this-necessary clarification) is the memory issues, although I’m quite certain there are many who might argue that the ‘whole brain damage’ period trumps that. I however, am fine with most of it, I’ve made my peace. But the memory issues are becoming the proverbial bane of my existence right now, so I’m feeling a rather passionate hate-on, ya know? Oh, and let us not forget the best part of that joy-ride ~ anything and everything could be real or-Logan requires my attention so the world must stop now! BRB…and now we’re sort of in an argument, giggidy! Foods here!! Squirrel!!

(08/24/2014) Alright, if I’m going to get this told, I’m going to have to do it in a clinical factoid kind of way, or I’ll never get it told. It is highly emotional, and the guilt I feel is quite overwhelming. In all honesty, I feel like the harder I try to do the right thing, the more I fuck everything up which really screws with my current arguments regarding the importance of my continued existence. Fortunately, God has blessed me with so many wonderful people for whom my love is far greater than my self-loathing; so for them I pray for the strength (and sometimes the continued will) to overcome my weaknesses, my fears, my failings and keep fighting the good fight we call life…little depressed, sorry.

Lucas, our youngest son was born 02/16/2006. He was induced at 38 weeks due to a few concerns (I had already been on bed rest since 26 weeks I think; it was Thanksgiving), 6 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long. After he was born, – Squirrel!!for the fricken record, I offered more than once! Why can’t you just ask?! Say specifically what it is that you would like?!? AHH!!!Squirrel!!– I wrote several poems, all full of wild emotions; which is all very typical following childbirth.

(08/29/2014) I seem to be at war with my “community” within. My therapist, Diana, says she has a few other D.I.D. patients that refer to their alter-personalities-or the voices in their heads’-as their ‘community’. I thought I’d give it a whirl, but we don’t really care much for it. Now that I hear it (read it), no. We aren’t a community; and I feel that’s a good thing for me to have established that for all of us. We’re much closer than that, and as much as we might hate one another at times, I know that I would never have survived my life without them. However, when we hurt and I don’t stand up for myself, when I Run Away, I am still responsible for whatever havoc they might wreak. The reasons behind it are triggered I suppose, which may be beyond my control, but I am still responsible for our actions.

Fuck!!!!!! Sorry momma, terrible word!! I truly dislike it as much as the word Hate. But as hard as this is, I feel it really is crucial for me to do this. It’s a Revelations thing that other than God, I think Todd might be the only person who might understand. And maybe Grandmother Imm, funny as that is, LOL!! I know my ma will be reading this because this weekend I’m going up north to visit and plan to show her how to access my blog on her computer.

(08/30/2014) Today is my Grannymas birthday. She passed away in July of 2000 on my step-sisters birthday; the day before my Grannypas birthday (he passed in 1993). I am having a very…not-so-great type of day that sort of began last night, but really is just a continuation of my…slightly askew life that followed me to my safe haven and poisoned it. Somewhere I am quite certain that Murphy, Destiny and Fate are laughing hysterically. :{

It’s 10:25pm now, everyone else is in bed and I suppose I am calmer now than I was earlier, I am still very angry, but I am calmer. Is that a word or should I be saying more calm? Hmm, don’t actually know for certain right at this moment. I think I’m typing gobbledy-gook to distract myself from how angry I actually still am (Seriously, why can’t you just give in to the anger? YOU have a right to be!! He made our mom cry, and then acted as if you did something wrong and treated Moms’ feelings like they were nothing!!! It’s one thing to do that shit to you and Ray, and Todd even, we put up with it as his handicap. NOT MOM!)…Yeah, I know.

In November of 2006, a woman from my sister Shawna’s church called social services on my family and Shawna’s family. Wait, that’s not right…it was Thanksgiving of 2007. My doctor had me on antidepressants by then because I couldn’t pull out of the postpartum depression after Lucas. Based on my poems and info on MyChart I was able to piece a few facts together. I couldn’t write after the meds, I tried ‘Poetry-In-Motion’ through this workshop Shawna and I used to participate in, but I only wrote a few I think. Most of everything from those years (2007-08) were on a hard-drive that crashed. I don’t remember much of anything because I ran away (mentally checked out while someone(s) else took over my body and life). With the depression, I remember trying to find a therapist…I told my family about the D.I.D. for the first time…although Clint already knew…I’m digressing, to many voices all with valid points that never made sense before…so this woman was connected to another woman in their church who somehow got herself inserted into our lives the same way as the first, and tried to say the same crap that had been reported to social services, only led me to believe the so-called information leading to the allegations had come from my sister; and vise-versa. We were both fortunate that social services were already involved in both our families’ lives due to learning disabilities that both our older sons’ have I.E.P.’s for. But the hurt, betrayal and everything else both our families went through; my sister moved to a town that’s about a 45 minute drive away and we didn’t speak for a year. I have vague memories of driving to Logan’s schools a lot for meetings and being grateful on the days that Lucas wasn’t colicky or fussy, his poor little tummy was always so gassy. He had some tummy issue that required medicine; and he had/has a heart murmur…I remember a lot of doctor appointments-I should be able to check his records to verify that-see how frustrating this can get?!!?

(09/02/2014) Kids started back at school today. I’m happy and sad at the same time, typical stay-home mom stuff. I’m very confused about the weekend up at my folks. Turns out the 31st is Grannymas’ birthday, 1 of mom’s 4 uber-sensitive days which is actually a time frame which we share. I just happen to be uber-uber-sensitive these days, lucky me (and everyone in the vicinity that becomes part of my breakdown-at-that-moment)!

(09/10/14) Eight days…it’s really quite amazing just how much can actually happen in the span of just eight days.

(09/11/14) I’m ripping the Band-Aid off and getting the big bad out-of-the-way; I can go back to fact that I now realize it all began two years earlier than I originally thought later (along with the fact that Clint knew and didn’t get you the help you needed?!). Yes, Renie, along with that fact which we only found out this year. (YOU only found out, WE knew she told him because Kai convinced us that he was the real deal, like Skip. That he would keep you safe so we wouldn’t have to!! What a fucking joke!! First real break and he abandoned you and the boys emotionally and blames it on you and Logboy! And don’t forget the resentment after the first month or so of Lucas’s birth!) Enough Renie. I know you’re angry, but right now you’re not helping anything. Now please be quiet so I can finish what I need to, please? Oh, Logan time-BRB.

(09/12/14) Logan time ran longer than I anticipated…Friday Morning-WOW!!! I feel more alive right now, this very second, than I have in over 10 years!! My son is a shit, but God!! Thank you!!! I had forgotten how it felt to truly LIVE, and everything hurts like fricken shit and it’s wonderful!! I’ve definitely had my exercise for the day in a life or death battle over the last cup of coffee. I proved a more worthy opponent than the twerp expected from his “small, crippled and OLD” mom, ha ha!! I know he wasn’t using his full strength out of fear of hurting me, but that was part of how I caught him off guard-he needed more strength than he anticipated; I was stronger and perhaps more ‘wiry’ than he expected. 🙂

Now that Kai and I are integrated, I remember all the various aspects of her parts in my life…It truly is overwhelming sometimes as I try to comprehend all the horrific things she endured for me because even I thought I was too fragile to handle the full impact of the memories; the shame I unwittingly placed on her because of what I thought she represented in comparison to what she actually suffered for the sake of my so-called sanity. I miss her; she was as much an innocent as I. Now she’s gone and I am no innocent, no matter how naïve or dumb-witted I’ve become. I don’t remember much from the years 2007 or 2008. Based on receipts and emails, at least one of my persona’s got seriously addicted to Webkinz!! I apparently own 30+ accounts, my personal account containing over 300 pets and rooms-fully decorated rooms-for them all! I could have told myself I was wallowing in depression, but I had ran away mentally, like the fricken coward that I am! In the summer of 2009, Kai flirted through calls and texts with an old high school friend, David. While she was doing that, Renie was doing the same with a scarier dude, Tommy. Tommy was a guy somewhere between mine and Clint’s age (I think) that we apparently exchanged vocal compliments with on a Wednesday evening at Bogart’s during karaoke. We had touched base with our ‘big brother’ Dano (Dan McGowan from Edina) after having lost track of one another back in the mid-90s. By pure coincidence, he was dating (and is now married to) another old classmate from my junior high school years, Beth St. Martin. Considering how badly that night ended, had I been fully in my straight state of mind I would have…well, I would like to believe I would have recognized it for the omen of impending doom that it was. If only, right? That was the first time it had ever been stated to me that men and women cannot be “just friends”; there is always an underlying attraction or desire on at least one side of the friendship…I do not agree with this. I didn’t then and I still don’t now, despite everything that has transpired over the past five years.

(09/27/2014) Nothing else that I had wanted to say matters anymore. Whether it was while one of my other personalities was in control or not, it is still my fault. I was a coward and ran away. The end result is still the same. In mid to late May of 2009 to July 15th of 2009 I carried on an affair that crossed the sexual line on one occasion (Since this was written, I have confirmed May 31st to have been the first day Tommy called me after stealing my number from Michelle’s phone). On July 15th I suffered a blackout for approximately 2 ½ – 3 hours before waking up in my blazer very disoriented. I remember texting Clint, but not exactly what I texted aside from, “on my way home”. I remember feeling…off, like something was wrong. I think my keys were on the floor of the passenger side of the car, all four windows were ¾ – ½ way down letting the fresh air in. Foolishly, I started my vehicle and began my drive home when I got a text back from Clint. It was a picture of his penis. I was at a stoplight, so I sent a quick text back with a smiley face or something positive like that. He sent back, “Are you sure you want it?” What the hell kind of question is that?! And of course, being the stupid dumbass that I can sometimes be, I started to text that question while driving. Brilliant, right? Cop pulls behind me, lights come on and the rest as they say is history. As in public record type history…

(09/29/2014) (I don’t know if I can do this anymore…the things he says; how could he be so fricken cruel?! And how could I be so weak?!) So, I knew something was off. I was totally cooperative with the police. I asked them to take me to the hospital for a blood test, but I neglected to state that I wanted them to check for drugs because I thought I might have been. Clint picked me up from the police station around 3:30 I believe he said, and said I yelled at him; I have no recollection of that at all. I always felt and believed that I had been sexually assaulted that night and I still do. But a year later, while going through some preparation classes through my church I was hit out of nowhere with the absolute certainty that on one occasion during that summer, I had been unfaithful to my husband. It didn’t matter if another personality had been in control or not, it was still me, my body. I called him immediately in hysterics and confessed my betrayal, and he told me I was forgiven. That I had already been forgiven that summer when he felt certain that something had happened. I was so grateful, lol. I couldn’t believe how wonderful, amazing, loving and forgiving this incredible man the Lord had brought into my life was. What a fricken joke! I have put myself through Hell because of the never-ending Hell he has put me through for the past 2 years (after I began suffering severe memory issues) because he needs all these answers.

(10/14/2014) Now, I think my mental illness, on top of my eldest sons’ issues have driven him over the edge. He tells me he knows God doesn’t exist because he prays for death every day, but he’s still alive so there is no God. Last year he literally asked me if I got pregnant with our 7 yr. old ‘on purpose’! My eldest feels like he can barely stand him. He has never posted a single picture of his wife or eldest son on his Facebook profile, but thinks we are over-reacting because of our depression issues if we try to say anything. It was his birthday last week, and I really went all out because I keep trying to show him how much I love him…I’ve accepted responsibility and fault for everything, but I think I finally get it. All my fighting now is only hurting us all He’s already said he isn’t in love with me anymore. The harder I fight to…what? Make him see he’s wrong? Get him to fall back in love? What the hell lessen am I supposed to be gaining from all this Father? Or is this part of my penances for mistakes in my past? Are sure I can handle all this? From my view-point I’m not doing well. And come judgment day, for all these scars, I’ll again have to nakedly answer to You as well. You know this weighs heavy on my mind and soul. Thank you for the strength You give me, each and every day. Thank You for the love I feels on days like this, which are gloomy and grey. Thank you for the loved ones You watch over and Bless at my bequest, and for always giving me another chance if at first I fail my tests. In Thy son, Jesus’s name, Amen.

Getting hard to type through my tears now…my brain trails, wanders, drifts or whatever you might choose to label it as. I apologize to any readers of differing faiths who may have been offended; please don’t be. My Heavenly Father told me it was not my place to judge but His, which He will do when THAT time comes for us all. If you’ve read enough of my blog, all of it, most of my life story is here. I am an open book. I am trying to be even more honest than ever before because I have inner demons (yes, I am now including my other personalities as demons) that like to mess with my memories, I have problems with my memory that worsen when I get upset, and I feel like some people use that to manipulate me; and I’m tired of hurting nonstop and feeling like everything I do hurts the people I love the most. I need to be strong for the people in my life that I know love me and except me for who I am without making me think I’m even worse than I already do. I feel like a cancer that needs to be eradicated; and I’m so over feeling this way every day!! So, to quote a beloved character of mine, “NO MORE!!”

 

 

 

   Peace, Love & Blessings

♥ ~ Kyla ~

 

Can We Get A Recall?!?

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   It’s Monday, July 28th; Logan only had to get through four fricken days of summer school and the rest of the summer was his (or so it was stated. I do have to be honest that I have reservations regarding that claim myself, so I can’t blame Logan for not believing it) to enjoy without hassle. Not even four full days; just from 8:00am – 12:00pm, then the bus ride home. His bus doesn’t even pick him up until 7:37am, right out front of our house. Lucas, his 8 year old little brother has to leave the house by 6:52am in order to run up the street to where our mailboxes are in order to catch his bus by 7:04am and he does!! When the actual ‘child’ shows more maturity and responsibility than the 18 year old self-proclaimed ‘Man-child’, something is seriously fracked up!! It’s time for the man-child to pull his darn head out of his ass, clean all the shit out of it and grow the frack up!! (Ha ha ha!!! That’ll teach you to bitch about one and praise the other in a negative comparative way, won’t it?!! Karma!! You just pulled a-) Yeah, yeah!! I know, I get it! Shut up now!! (noon-ish)

I need to find a better way to time-stamp these things(you need to-) you need to shut the hell up and let me get my thoughts written! (Why? So you can find another ‘so-called-rational’ way to explain how everything wrong in your “loving family” is all your fault and no one else should need to bother with owning up to the mistakes they might have made? When are you going to stop letting yourself be manipulated and played for a fool?) Maybe when you and Renie and any others that enjoy interfering STOP interfering!! (How’s your hand?) It hurts, stop talking now, you’re making me forget what I was planning to write about. Oh yeah, Dip Twit Logan and his mind blowing, brilliant decision making skills…(Hey, your sarcasm is dripping on the keyboard chickadee. Not cool). Logan is 18 and should have graduated class of 2014, but instead he has to repeat his senior year for a variety of reasons; the biggest being a lack of attendance which he blames on various ‘medical/mental’ health reasons. Doorknob absolutely refuses to allow any blood work, but can’t understand why all of us “Authority Figures” in his life question the validity of his claims. So, not only is that my fault in his eyes due to DNA and hereditary “bad gene pool”, but my trials with my own physical and mental health have apparently – well, I don’t really know. I guess I somehow brain-washed him into believing he has already, as a teen, inherited all of my illnesses-not just mental but physical as well. I’ve been told I have some funky hypnotic way with people, but I never imagined it could work in such a way as that! Especially without any actual effort on my part. I guess this time it’s me who doesn’t know my own strength, huh? (Your sarcasm is getting annoying…) Giggidy!!

(08/02/2014) And to think I had actually convinced myself that this one wasn’t going to be one of those that had weeks pass before I got back to it…(forgot you were delusional again?). Obviously…Squirrel!! 

(08/04/2014) If you ever check out the comments, you might find the explanation behind that crazy Squirrel!! That keeps running across my pages. My sister Shawna has to explain it though; she set him loose…;D We watch and critique a great many of things and my goodness but she makes me laugh; that’s my only hint.

(08/05/2014) As the squirrels of brain-cramped show writers continue to test Shawna’s tight-rope walking skills taunting her with her sanity as a prize (she knows she lost that a long time ago! We can’t retrieve sanity!); it’s called venting with humoristic sarcasm you twit! Crap. Lost my train of thought now…it’s a pretty shade of indigo blue floating across my room as it dissipates. Sometimes I really enjoy the askew way my brain tends to perceive and interpret things. Even on my absolute worst-oh yeah! Just leave the fricken motor bike in the middle of the road!! Nice!! Movies teach careless behavior!! Oh, sorry…absolute worst days, I can find something to laugh at. Ooh, Doctor Who is on now, giggidy!! 😀 I’m a total Whovian, so are Logan and Lucas. Clint Likes the 10th Doctor, but the 11th Doctor annoyed him and never really won him over. Perhaps the 12th will catch his fancy-in a non-homophobic sort of way…gotta include shit like that on account of some people taking words the wrong way and act all dumbass-like because they hate themselves or their life or something and feel the need to focus all that confused anger and rage at something that they don’t understand or that makes them feel uncomfortable and then blame their actions on God. Wow, tangent? Good thing I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m crazy and have issues; I think that might have been a dead give-away, tee he he! 🙂 (Did you snap?) Nope. Well, maybe…but that was years ago. This is something different, something ~ new? But its bedtime, so this will have to be continued…by choice for the first time that I can recall.

(08/11/2014) Wow. …I just read my last entry to get an idea of where I was at with what this post is supposed to be about…Shit, double wow, irony! Never mind the recall, I’m definitely not playing for the sane team anymore. But we already knew that, I have embraced my mental illnesses and am in therapy for the issues that require it and all that awesome responsible shit that a…”I” is calling me right now. Seriously, caller ID just says “I” with a number. Weird…that a good, loving Child of God, mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend would do to get healthy after a mental breakdown that nearly destroys everyone. However, I am not the only fricken lunatic in this house. So I guess it’s not a recall, but the correct word is evading me right now. Eluding? Either way, I can’t fricken think of it.

Weird thing, Clint saw the title of this and immediately assumes it’s about our life. “What’s that? You want a recall on the last 17 years?” And I didn’t get it at first ~ screwed up naïve thing in my brain (Brain damage!!) ~ Yeah, no shit! The screen was up on my computer, but the page had been minimized I think, until my foot bumped the mouse. But I might be mistaken because my memory likes to play tricks on me. It’s ever so much fun, truly…NOT!!!! Anyway, I told him no, it was actually in regards to the mental evaluations, considering I apparently have to go through a new one and Logan ~ who actually wants one now that he has been off his meds for over a month (ooh, that sounds fun and dangerous!! Giggidy?) F#!K you!! ~ apparently doesn’t need one because his psychiatrist who sees him every 2-3 months for the past 4-5 years is quite certain of his diagnosis being one of a few he has in mind; but didn’t feel it was necessary to share with myself or his Social Service Mental Health Caseworker…yay.

Logan…I love my son, so fricken much it literally hurts! Laziest, manipulative, hypocritical, ignorant, egotistical, beautiful, vain, insecure, protective, lost little sweet pea. Is this precious miracle our Heavenly Father gave me at a time in my life that is riddled with mixed up memories, not all of them accurate? I could no longer deny that…I was off, and still seeing my childhood imaginary friends that grew up with me might not be a good thing (Hey! I’m pretty sure I resent that!!). Good. Go away, please. Logan is delusional in all the worst ways, and reality is going to kick his ass something terrible. But I don’t think he’s going to learn anything any other way. He needs his ass kicked by some serious reality. So I told him to feel free to move out now, go live with one of these friends whose parents have already told him he could live and freeload off of them while he lays around and does absolutely nothing but expects them to buy him cigarettes and feed him and take care of him and crap. He’s still here.

Hmm, I have once again managed to upset my spouse. I wonder what I did this time. I suppose he might just be annoyed at Logan per usual so that puts me in the dog house too sometimes. You know, on account of everything in the whole fucking world somehow being my fault since any and all universes revolve around me! (Sassy!! Where’d you come from, and who exactly are you? You’re not the little mouse we’re used to. Are you Kyla?) Yup, the one and only ~ with a wee bit of an upgrade. There are people in my life, and this is majorly difficult for me to admit…because I had to accept the truth of it first, which sucked piss balls!! But these are people who are supposed to love me unconditionally; the ones I am supposed to be able to always count on, no matter what. I honestly thought I had that, until reality kicked me in the teeth and showed me the truth. I’m finally remembering all the horrors that one of my alternate personalities tried to protect me from. So yay I guess, lots of answers to some old questions I had already moved passed I thought. But it’s late and definitely passed my proclaimed bedtime, so I will allow this to be the end of this post.

Peace, Love and Blessings to all

 ♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥

New look

New look

I think I’m Rambling Again…

I hate when there are so many voices in my head with so much…and you feel like ~ “Holy shit!!! If everyone doesn’t back off and shut the frack up, nobody gets their say!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (06/21/2014)

I saw my therapist yesterday, which I guess was somewhat helpful, just not quite as much as I had hoped for…which is par for the course, or whatever the heck that stupid saying is. I don’t really give a shit. (06/24/2014)

Well!! Lots of time has passed since I tried working this…Ha ha!! Best honey nut Cheerios commercial ever!!! Grumpy Cat guest starred!! Logan is so going to love that. I haven’t seen it before, sorry ‘bout that. I’m easily sidetracked and humored. If you could understand them, my menagerie of pets would tell you stories…never mind. Don’t want to scare ya all off…heh heh heh (imagine devilish wink & eyebrow quirky thing that Todd does but I can’t {pout, pout}). 😉

Yeah…my mind is racing with so many things I wanted to type and probably would be done by now if I was one of those 100 wpm typist people. Unfortunately, I am not one of those 100 wpm typist people, I am a hunt and pecker typist person (giggle). J Yes, there is a story there; probably one of only a handful of non-unpleasant memories that Kai has shared with me from her/our marriage to Wade. Ahh yes, and there again, another story untold. No wonder I can’t ever get my stories finished…damned incessant need to explain how and where everything connects. I haven’t quite figured out if I do it because I’m actually remembering something new and am trying to work it out for myself at the exact time that some poor friend, family member, (critter as the case sometimes is) asks about something and they get stuck listening to my rambles; or if I’m just hoping someone will tell me I’m at least going in the right direction.

Shit!! I can’t even get through one paragraph without changing the subject at least once if not more. I wonder if this-son of a bitch!! I got distracted and now I don’t remember what I was writing! I fricken hate when I do that!! Ha ha!! I remembered!! I was starting to say I wonder if this could be a med change thing, considering I’m self-adjusting my dosages again. I know there are certain ones that I need, like for the nerve damage and shit, but some of the others I would like to try to deal with using herbal remedies or something that don’t affect my already damaged and deteriorating memory. Considering I’m getting migraines again despite the Topamax, I’m weaning myself off of that one as well as the Zoloft. I’ve already weaned myself off all the pain meds but two, and I’ve cut those dosages in half by now slowly rebuilding my pain tolerance. Some days I feel very proud of myself for the success I think I am achieving; other days the pain is somewhat overwhelming and I remember that I truly am insane and probably shouldn’t be screwing around with my meds without talking to my doctors since I truly have no idea if I might be totally fucking myself which inadvertently hurts the people I love the most…dilemma, sucky with no giggidy. 🙂

I’m going to jump back to my visit with my therapist for a moment…actually, for me, it’s both my regular doctor and my therapist while for my son it’s only when he goes to see his psychiatrist. Anyway, at every visit for me, because I suffer from severe manic depression episodes I have to fill out this form/questionnaire regarding my current mental state of depression over the last 2 weeks. (07/09/2014)

  Ooh! Mind frack!! Damn it!! F@!k a duck!!!! Interruptions make me forget people!! Quit fricken interrupting me when I’m trying to type!!! And it was funny stuff today (whine, whine with serious lower lip in the pout, seriously)! Ha ha, yay! Another interruption…Logan needs my attention while he broods…today is a bad day memory wise which in my book is one of the worst…humph, pissed Logan off so he’s gone now. Let me see if I can figure out where I was and where/how I want to pick things back up…well the mind frack had something to do with something I had been watching, Penny Dreadful I believe. It’s on Showtime for those who don’t know, Season 1 was only 8 episodes-I’m rather disappointed by that personally. But I don’t recall my original- SQUIRREL!! So I’m reading along and marking my answers on my form-damn it! Fricken dog won’t stop whining outside my bedroom door! No privacy any-fricken-where!-when I get to this question about halfway through regarding suicidal planning…(Ominous music is heard along with an ever-so-cliché “Dum, dum, dum, dummm!)…during the past two weeks, and I get a little stuck. So I put a question mark by it and went on with the rest of the form. (Now that I stop for a moment to ponder ~ I ponder about many, many things; since they make my head hurt, it would probably make a normal persons’ head explode ~ I’d be willing to bet that my medical records are ‘riddled’ with ‘???’ question marks on most of the papers I’ve ever had to fill out, heh heh 😀 ). As I’m finishing up the forms, Diana comes out and calls me back. We exchange our usual hallway banter as we walk to her office (which is actually a long fricken walk, btw) and…long story short (Ooh, it that possible?) she gets to my question mark and asks what’s up? (07/10/2014)

Blah blah blahbidy blah, blah blah! Yeah, no writing today either I guess. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. (07/12/2014)

 I am seriously annoyed…I’m less annoyed now, Shawna gave me chuckles. 😀 Then my awesome friend and neighbor Vanessa took me to my Physical Therapy apt. I think a demon possessed my friend, twice today; while driving to and from. Had my eyes been closed the way they usually are when in a vehicle trying not to have panic attack, I’d have sworn I was riding with my big brother, Todd…I have to go check the door-dog and bird are both wiggin’ out…(07/22/2014)

 I used to think squirrels were all just your plain ordinary brown, period, no exception. I was very mistaken (Plausible proof of female gender ~ admission of flaw: Factoid ;)). We have both a solid black and a pure white albino squirrel that both like to grace our neighborhoods every winter. There is this really kind, older guy, Samuel, who lives down the road on our circle that got a few really good pics one year and wrote this really cool story about the squirrels. I think he originally started with a story about the albino one first, and then followed it with a second with the two of them. Just a few neat stories for the kids (us big ones included) in his spare time. We all got a copy and they were wonderful!!! Has absolutely nothing to do with the “SQUIRRELs!!” that keep popping up in this post.

What I revealed to my therapist regarding the suicidal planning was that I have been trying to figure out if there is any way to kill off one or two (maybe three) of my alter-personalities without killing myself in the process, so I wasn’t entirely sure if that qualified as a yes or no on the questionnaire. But a lot of things have transpired since that appointment, and I’m looking at things from a much clearer point of view these days. Working on some picture art; let’s see if anything else opens up in the process.

Peace and love to all. With Faith, we can achieve everything!! (07/24/2014)

♥ ~ Kyla ~

Our Funky Abode

First order of business; if you have not read the book ‘Dreamcatcher’ by Stephen King, do so. Secondly, and this is crucially important, Secondly-check out the movie ‘Dreamcatcher’ based on the novel by Stephen King. (Keep in mind that libraries have audio versions of the book for folks that are super busy or maybe a tad too lazy to actually read the book. I found audio books made rush hour traffic a joy rather than a pain in the ass my last few years of work; and now they are great for working around the house. Kids catch themselves paying attention to the stories despite themselves, lol). 😉 I know it would be easier to just watch the movie and think you know the story, but those of you out there whom are avid readers and have had a favorite novel put to film know, the movies always cut shit out. Sometimes it’s not too awful, but sometimes it’s so bad you just want to bitch slap everybody involved, including the author for allowing the hatchet job (I felt that way about a few of King’s books that became movies-The Tommyknocker’s and Needful Things, both phenomenal books are among the worst movies). But I suppose the movie would be fine for the purpose of ‘a basic general concept’ of the brain filing references I’ll be making; and this is all assuming, naturally, that you get confused and feel you need the reference. If not, well then, never mind; that’s just one of my OCD issues. 😉

The programs on television these days that have somehow qualified as entertainment…I’m utterly stupefied sometimes. We’re all morons so desensitized to all the shit we should be outraged by, and outraged by shit that is mostly bullshit, misleading propaganda. I don’t think propaganda is the correct word…damn! I hate that!! Hopefully you get my meaning cuz the ‘better’ word isn’t coming to mind right now and if I continue to think (obsess) about it, it never will. (I’m learning, ha ha! 😀 ) (06/08/2014)

I really thought I could get this whole thing done and posted yesterday! I might be learning, but I’m not particularly thrilled with the speed. (06/09/2014)

I might actually get back to my initial point of this post at some time, but it won’t be right now. Right now I’m irritated so we’re gonna go off on a different tangent. Actually, a few different tangents just because I can and I’m feeling bitchy! I will state in advance for those egos that get confused and think everything they read is directed specifically at them that this is an in general type of rant not intended toward ALL men, women, teenagers, etc. So try not to get your undies in a bunch please and thank you.

I would like to know why it is such a difficult and death=defying ordeal for a man to step up, admit or acknowledge that life is hard and full of unexpected curve-balls that just plain fucking suck and make you depressed?! Seriously, is that so fucking hard??!!! Admittedly, my estrogen levels seem low as I seem to be trying to “fix-broken-emotions”, which is usually a Y chromosome mistake, so perhaps that’s what this is. Bizarro poetic karma-Menopause vs. Manopause cosmically timed at the same junction in life for the entertainment of The Watcher’s to see whom will be victorious within the family. I have firmly decided to remove myself from the equation as several hours have passed since my flare of irritation. However. The tale that was begun still burns in our…designated rooms (part of our abode), therefore it still burns within the whole of our mind and so we still want to write it. If nothing else, it might provide a chuckle or two, and it keeps me distracted (which seems to be a very important thing right now…I think my irritation is returning…I don’t care much for that.)  😦  (06/10/2014)

“…And a swing, batter, batter and a-a-a-a miss!!” I don’t remember the things I wanted to share. I got interrupted by something and by the time I was able to write Clint was home. I don’t write when he gets home, I’ve developed an issue that I haven’t figured out how to surpass yet. I have a lot of severely annoying issues that I can’t seem to figure out how to surpass. I believe I can say with a decent amount of confidence that Feelings like these are shared by a vast number of folks all over the world which I find saddening; but I also find it comforting. I know I am not alone in my suffering, and when I pray for strength, comfort, guidance, etc.; I know God hears my heart and blesses the world with his Love, Compassion, or whatever it is they need. This helps me not allow myself to indulge in a wasteful skinny dip in a pool of self-pity. That never bears any worthy fruit.

Good grief I make my own head hurt, too much fucking noise!!! ‘Our Funky Abode’ isn’t working apparently, cuz if it were…(was?)…then everything would not be so damn loud! We built this awesome mansion type place-alrighty then…apparently Satan has moved in, giggidy!!-with separate rooms for all of us. Its design on the inside is inspired by the T.A.R.D.I.S., Warehouse 13 and my slightly more glorified version of Sanctuary’s castle. It is supposed to be organized, however, it appears we have many, many bugs to work out….  

Good thing I started seeing my therapist again, I so suck at trying to handle this shit by myself. Good lesson though-Mental Illness – Trained Professional = FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Repair) me. (06.11/2014)

 

 

Peace, love and blessings

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ~ Kyla ~ ♥ ♥ ♥

sanctuary